She - Madam The Honorable Missus.....

As he approached the estate gates, he could hear the throbbing music....

"All mah ladees, all mah ladees, kukere, kukere...."

He coasted to the gate, and with his foot on the brake pedal, placed his forehead on the steering wheel. His mind ran riot, for a moment, he could actually feel it dash to the left, to the right, run in circles, as if making a desperate bid for escape...

"Oga, I dey allright? You don open the gate for me since but e be like say I no wan enter today ba?"

He raised his head and gazed woefully at the gateman through his window, he reached for the button that wound down the glass and immediately he issued the question, wished he could drag the words back and stuff them, unspoken back into his mouth.

"Madam dey house?"

"Yays oga, shim dey po house. I no hear am for the music? Ai today na konkere, konkere".

He revved his engine and while the aboki rushed back to open the gates, resignedly began a prayer that tonight, at least, would end within minutes.

As he drove towards the house, he avoided all eye contact with his neighbors along the way. What was the point? As soon as he made eye contact with any of them, he knew they would attempt to flag him down and lodge a complaint against Madam the Honorable's thoughts, words or deeds today! Yes, of all the women in Abuja and environs, he had managed to attract the only one who could offend without opening her mouth or even taking any action whatsoever. Her thoughts were toxic - he should know, he had the misfortune of being in the direct line of fire whenever those thoughts translated into words and soon enough, action!

He glimpsed his neighbor, Chief, standing by the gate, in a pair of XXXL jersey shorts, bare chested, his bloated belly on display, attempting to catch his eye; and deftly but dutifully averted his eyes while he drove into his own compound, parked the car and switched off the ignition. He could relate with Chief's feelings, he just was not in the mood to discuss them. The last time Chief had approached "She" direct, he had gotten an impromptu shower of the dish water! How "She" managed this since they had a fully functional dishwasher was still beyond his comprehension and it took inviting Chief out to an Nkwobi joint to resolve the issue amicably!

Seven years of marriage, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven. No children yet. No peace at home. Almost immediately after the marriage, Madam had read him the riot act, informing him that "She" was now in charge and had deactivated girlfriend mode. She had activated wife mode, full steam ahead and would brook no resistance from man or beast. Even her own parents could not talk sense into her and but for his calm and non confrontational demeanor  he would have broken her neck by now.

 At this point, the blare of music from his house sounded like a rock band had somehow found it's way into the parlor and were performing as for a One Million Man strong crowd in a baseball field! The ground underneath his feet was throbbing and the air freshener on the dashboard was actually vibrating in tune to the music.

He picked up his jacket from the back of the passenger seat, snatched up his briefcase and picked up the most important parcel of all. With this, he would try to negotiate peace in his household today. As he got to the gate, he reached with his fist to bang for attention, thought the better of it and in the interest of peace, rummaged through his briefcase until he found his own set of house keys, turned the lock and stepped into....

"Bia, don't you know how to knock? Assuming I was in a compromising situation now, you would have just barged in on me without first announcing your presence right?"

Immediately, the volume of the stereo system was turned down. Since he knew it was not out of deference for the "Man of the House" returning from a hard day's job and needing some peace of mind, but rather to amplify her shrieks to the remotest corners of the estate, he simply walked past her, dropped his briefcase and jacket on the dining table, strolled into the kitchen with the peace offering, and secured himself safely in there.

He ignored the pounding and shrieking going on in the sitting room, he had thoughtfully locked himself into the kitchen, and scanned the menu. Thank the gods, today was just eba and soup. he had remembered to bring out the soup on his way to work today and was sure he could nail this in fifteen minutes flat.

Meal done, he served Madam the Honorable's portion, brought out a side plate for the peace offering, peppered chicken from Benue Kitchen, which he neatly arranged and garnished with some slices of onions and tomatoes. Quickly ate his own food from the pot while standing and listening to her ranting...

"Thank God, thank God for my christian background and upbringing if not I would have shown you pepper today. You leave me in this house with all the housework from morning to night without a housemaid and yet you expect me to take it all lying down. I don't blame you, it is not your fault. It is because I agreed to marry you and save you from that pretender, Chibuzor, if not by now, you would have been miserable. Look at it, look at what you have turned me into now, the laughing stock of the entire estate. With your small prick, you think you can intimidate me. Come out of there, come out and fight like a man! You will kill me o, today na today!

Unconcerned, even with reference to the size of his manhood, he stood by the door, biding his time. So much for giving the neighbors peace by turning down the music, now they could enjoy the blow by blow account of his faults both real and imagined. Soon, he could hear her move away from the kitchen door and acting quickly, he deftly opened the door, strode to the dining table, and dropped the food in one swell swoop.

She came rushing at him and soon as she saw what he had to offer, switched disposition 180 degrees...

"Sweetie m, I know you are a very considerate man. You remembered to buy peppered chicken today?"

He switched off, collected his scattered belongings and climbed up the stairs to the master bedroom. As he suspected, the whole place was in a mess. Bottles of products lying haphazardly all over the place, her clothes strewn from the bathroom to the bed, the wardrobe scattered and chest of drawers spilling its contents over the floor.

Without even a pause to feel annoyed, he began to pick up the clothes, straighten the bedspread, put things back in their proper place, peeping into the ensuite bathroom and finding it in a mess, he quickly began washing and wiping down. Spent, he took a shower and laid down to sleep.

He knew what was going on downstairs, she would greedily inhale the bowl of eba in one fell swoop after which she would relocate to the sitting room with the chicken and a bottle of Irish Cream. She would settle and tune into one of her favorite programs, probably the Kardashians, at a more acceptable volume, take her time with the chicken and beverage, then leisurely climb up to bed after an hour or two. As usual, plates would be scattered all over the house, TV will be left on, and he would have to get up in the middle of the night or in the early hours while preparing for work and tidy up, load the dishwasher, give the place a good mop, before rushing out to work.

As his mind drifted off to more pleasant places, he slowly fell asleep. He dreamt of Marietta's soft hands all over him, her voice crooning sweet nothings in his ear, her mouth kissing, caressing and felt his body responding. As he rolled over to make himself more comfortable, he felt actual hands on him and woke with a start to realise that "She" was already disrobing. He willed his body to stop responding, but too late. She was good at what she did and he was up and would stay up, no matter what tricks he tried.

As she mounted him, here again as in everything, her need to dominate, to take charge superceeded any desire for intimacy or mutual enjoyment and he could only lie back and watch in growing dismay while she twisted and maneuvered her way to ecstasy.

With her shuddering climax, she stepped off him, patted him on the chest..

"Why do you always just lie there and look like a dead fish? Don't you know how to move your waist? Na wa for you o! You don't make this fun at all!"

As she strode into the bathroom, he curled into a ball and all the pent up frustrations and emotions rocked through his body like a huge wave and only by dint of force did he stop himself from bawling out like a child. There was only so much a man could take.

But...

...Tomorrow at noon, his guilty pleasure, for whom he always took a straight two hours off work everyday and entire weekends at a stretch "playing golf", Marietta!

In her home, he had a voice, had an opinion, could voice out his dreams and get encouragement, advice. She was never pushy, treated him like a king. A smart and intelligent woman, she held a very important post in a Federal Parastatal and being with her always felt like home, a safe haven. She was happy enough with their arrangement and over the course of the three years their affair had lasted, had produced a bouncing baby boy!