Wednesday 23 December 2015

Take Seven for the Fat Girls...

Sometimes being fat is fun... until you have to find clothes that fit.
Sometimes, being fat is not so fun and most of that comes from biting down hard on your tongue to stop the obvious retorts to some gaffes you hear from the socially disadvantaged bunch.
Take Seven completely clueless comments NOT to make to the fat girl, and what but for the grace of God (and our teeths chomping down on our tongues), your ears would be ringing with.
Take 1  You are fat!
You reckon? I can swear I was a size zero when I left home today. You mean I am fat now? For real? Chai, diaristgotuo!
Take 2  You shouldn't be eating that.
 Why? What is the problem? Is it poisonous? Am I going to die if I eat it? Or perhaps just this one thing stands between me and an extra 10 pounds? Would you rather be eating it? Because if you ask me, you should be getting some fat between your skin and bones.
Take 3  Are you planning to eat again?
 Errrrrm, no. I just want to worship this plate of food right here in front of me and let it know how its presence is contributing to world peace in these troubled times.
Take 4  You should take this tea or take up that exercise?
 Really? You should get a brain!
Take 5  That was how this friend of mine lost one million kg.
 Good on her. That was how this other friend of mine learnt to mind her own business. One day like that, she "chooked" her mouth in a matter that did not concern her and the original owner of the matter rearranged her face.
Take 6  You'd be so much prettier if you were slimmer.
 Funny you should say that, I was just about to observe that you'd be considered more intelligent if you kept your unsolicited opinions to yourself more often.
Take 7  It takes a lot of determination and will power to lose weight.
 You don't say? For real? Any available stats on how much determination and will power it takes to receive sense? Gerrarahia.
Seriously folks, if your opinion was not solicited and the fat is not about to suffocate you; If your food is not missing and you do not suspect the fat person in front of you is about to eat you up, please keep the fat shaming opinions to yourself.
You might never understand the struggle, which is real by the way. Or perhaps, you might just be an extremely clueless and tactless someborri.
In which case *in Pastor Chris Oyakhilome's voice* "Here is some sense. Take it, take it.... rrrrrrrrrrreceive it!"

#LetsBlameJonathan

See, I am not just playing a #LetsBlameJonathan like Alhaji Lai Lai Mohammed, this is a serious sontin for me. I need to take pictures of my food while cooking it, because this is what this generation is all about. Who knows if a potential husband material is out there watching my Facebook timeline? How will he know that I am a full six yards (sometimes less one quarter yard) of wife material, if I cannot put up step by step pictures of myself cooking aesthetically perfect (but gastronomically disastrous) dishes?

Ees eet gud laik dat?

http://www.sabinews.com/30161-2/

Tuesday 22 December 2015

Crying Relief With Onions

I don't like onions.
And the simple reason for that is that they are just about the only food I prefer to eat while in it's raw state.
Once I find a piece of cooked onion (whether glazed, fried, caramelized, in stew or soup), I go completely off the food and it takes a lot to get me to keep whatever portion I have eaten down.
Okay, over time and with the impracticality of finding onionless food in restaurants and other people's houses, I had to find a way to adjust. What came easy to me then, was picking out the onions from the food and piling it on one side of the plate.
Jollof rice, soup, beans porridge, yam pottage, moin moin... wherever the onions hid itself, I would find it and i would pick it out.
So, how do I manage at home?
Ta daaaaa...


I blend my onions in bulk. Buy the lot, peel the lot and blend the lot!

Don't you just want to tuck in? Looks like ice cream, yeah?


Advantages:
1. You only get to cry while peeling and slicing onions, just once. Subsequently, it is a crying relief to cook straightaway without needing a handkerchief.
2. No onion strings.
3. A smoother onion flavour.
4. Always readily available, just pop out of the freezer and into the pot (or dish).
5. You can store the way you need. So for instance you can store in cupfuls for your stocks, soups, stews and heavy duty cooking - read jollof, porridge, etc; or you can store in tablespoonfuls for your one-mouth dishes, omelettes, seasonings, etc...
Like here...


Stores in ice cube bags (ice cube trays work as fine too but I pass because they don't cover and the smells tend to mix up).
So, nice way to store your onions if you ask me. Also helps to work around that pesky situation of onions rotting in the rainy season.

PS: If you are my friend, please always preserve onions this way. That way, you wouldn't have a whole load of picked out onion string to irritate the heck out of you whenever you have me over for a meal.


Please?
Tenkiu'.

Facing Down Nigeria's Ghosts - Enuma Okoro




OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
Facing Down Nigeria’s Ghosts


CHRISTINA HAGERFORS
By ENUMA OKORO
DECEMBER 20, 2015
ABUJA, Nigeria — Before my grandmother died in 2010, she gave each of her 17 grandchildren a crisp one-pound note. It was an unceremonious gift, without lectures or reminiscing. She opened my hands and firmly pressed the bill into my palm. “You must keep this,” she said, before following up in Igbo: “Inugo?” Do you hear me? “Yes, Grandma,” I responded. “Thank you.”

Later, in another room, I looked at the note more closely. The bill was beautiful, with its antiquated font and soft, mint-green coloring with brown highlights.

One side had a palm tree standing tall in the center, bordered by intricate calligraphy. Across the top were the words “Republic of Biafra.”

To my grandmother, it was an invaluable offering, worth more than her thick coral necklaces or her gold embroidered George fabrics.

She wanted her grandchildren to have a piece of Biafra, the short-lived country that she and millions of others from our Igbo ethnic group had attempted to create as a refuge from the newly independent country of Nigeria, setting off the civil war of 1967-70, also known as the Biafran war.

Since relocating to Nigeria 16 months ago, I am learning anew just how complex is the history of my country. Nigeria has never really had a single national identity. Ethnic tensions existed ever since 1914, when British colonizers amalgamated more than 250 ethnic and linguistic groups into a new country.

But in the years after Nigeria declared independence in 1960, the three main ethnic groups — the Hausa-Fulani in the north, who are mostly Muslim, and the Yoruba in the southwest and Igbos in the southeast, who mostly practice Christianity or traditional religions — jockeyed for power.

In 1966, the situation exploded when a coup and counter-coup led to ethnic violence. Over 30,000 Igbos were killed between July and September of that year. In May 1967, feeling unprotected by the Nigerian government and at risk of genocide, the Igbos of the southeast declared independence. A civil war ensued.

On Jan. 15, 1970, after two and a half years of brutal fighting in which more than one million Nigerians died, Biafra ceded to Nigeria. Overnight my grandmother and other Igbos who had survived the war became Nigerian again.

The previous years were painful for my grandmother, and the process of renegotiating her identity as a Nigerian was, too. The Biafran pounds that she kept stashed away for 40 years before passing them on to her grandchildren were emblematic of an important part of my grandmother’s identity as an Igbo.

Most Nigerians of my grandmother’s generation have kept their memories of that difficult period to themselves. In the decades since the civil war, there hasn’t been any public reckoning of the ruptures that led to it. There are no national memorials, except for the poorly funded and run-down National War Museum in Umuahia, a city in the former Republic of Biafra. Besides the all-inclusive Armed Forces Remembrance Day to honor soldiers who have fought for Nigeria in conflict and war, Nigeria holds no officially sanctioned days of remembrance to honor civilian casualties.

There have been no meaningful truth and reconciliation commissions. There is little in Nigerians’ collective memory to acknowledge that we once turned against one another and divided our country in two.

The memory of Biafra, like the memory of the brutality that brought the country into being and the conflict that followed, has become a ghost haunting our country’s pretenses of national unity. From the opinions written today in daily newspapers to the vitriolic comments made by traditional rulers from some ethnic groups, it is clear that many Nigerians still hold ethnic allegiances ahead of any unified nationalism.

Nigeria’s refusal to acknowledge the most divisive part of its history is why the same fears and rivalries that created the climate for the war still fester today. There is a very real risk of history repeating itself.

In October, the Department of State Security arrested Nnamdi Kanu, a pro-Biafran independence activist. He was charged with conspiracy and being part of an illegal organization for his work with Radio Biafra, an underground radio station. In the weeks after, protests sprung up around southeastern Nigeria calling for his release — and for the region to secede once again. What began as nonviolent demonstrations turned bloody on Dec. 3, when the Joint Military Task Force, made up of army, navy, police and civil defense troops, opened fire on hundreds of protesters in the city of Onitsha in the southeastern state of Anambra. Between nine and 13 people were killed. (The number is still unclear.) Soon after, news emerged that angry protesters had set the central mosque in Onitsha on fire in retaliation.

Political leaders from both the north and the south have made halfhearted attempts to address the concerns raised by the protests. The federal government, for its part, said that they were “economic.” Last week, Mr. Kanu was released on bail but the charges against him remain in place.

Though Nigerians’ views are mixed on the separatist cause and the protesters’ tactics, many see the current agitation as symptomatic of deeper national wounds, that if unattended to could have dangerous consequences for the whole country.

“The issue of Biafra is something we can never forget, neither our children nor our great-great-grandchildren after our time because it is part of history,” Chief Joseph Achuzia, a former Biafran leader, said recently. “The problem Nigeria is facing now is the inability to come to terms with the reality.” He’s right. What a nation permits itself to remember about its past creates the boundaries by which collective identity is established.

There will never be any hope of national unity if Nigeria cannot acknowledge the tragedy of Biafra and the civil war — and deal with the consequences. There needs to be public discussion around what it means to be Nigerian and what the government can do to lead the country in experiencing itself as one nation and one people.

Ethnic groups from the north and the south fought before independence in 1960. Before the first coup, during the civil war, and after, Igbos have felt the threat of economic, social and political marginalization. The new pro-Biafran protests are led by youth who have little memory of Biafra or the brutality and horror of the civil war. And yet fears of oppression under the current government remain.

During the March 2015 presidential elections, a majority of southeastern Nigeria voted for the political party of the incumbent president, Goodluck Jonathan. Many Igbos feared that Mr. Jonathan’s challenger, Muhammadu Buhari, a northern Muslim Fulani who led a military coup in 1983, would act on a latent hatred for Igbos, despite his promises to rebuild the country’s “broken walls”...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/21/opinion/facing-down-nigerias-ghosts.html



Sunday 20 December 2015

Take Seven for Christmas...

If you are a child of the late 70s and early 80s, then like me you are most probably holding yourself from spiralling into depression as Christmas approaches.
What is this season?
Is this how to "do Christmas"?
You were not "inform"?
Biko, #BringBackOurChristmas o.
Somehow, Christmas doesn't quite seem like Christmas these days and no, it is not because we are now adults and the ones who have to sit with glasses perched on the tips of our noses while we "add and subtract" on a Casio calculator.
Because, "after the Christmas comes school fees o, school fees... school fees...".
It must be way more than that. Anyway, don't know about you, but here are seven things I miss the most about Christmas past:
1. Christmas Carolling: No, not these fanciful ones where you go and sit in a fancy church and have a fancy band and fancy musicians and comedians entertain you over fancy refreshments, this was the real koko.
You and a band of friends would spend a few days (or weeks if you have too much power), putting together a Christmas "choir"; troll the streets from house to house, belting out mismatched tunes at the top of your croaky voices; then hang around until the homeowner comes out with a few nairas for coca cola.
Those were the days.
2. Christmas cloth: If you don't get to "sew Christmas cloth", then you don't know what you are missing.
Your parents would find 20 yards of the same Ankara or brocade material, and the entire family would march off to the tailor's at least two full moons ahead of the 25th of December.
Come Christmas morning, the entire family with well pomaded hair and faces would march off to church, looking like a pair of cut out paper men holding paper hands.
3. Christmas chop: See, it was not about the jollof rice and goat meat, it was about starting your Christmas cooking at least one week ahead with the snacks and pastries; then starting the jollof the night before, and completing the cooking around 4 am on Christmas morning.
Then, irrespective of your ajebo status, getting a tray of different Christmas chop loaded on your head and trudging from house to house to deliver to your family friends.
My mum held pride of place as the first to finish with cooking and have her steaming Christmas chop in her friends' houses before the cock crowed.
4. Christmas goat: You know, this should be number three.
The careful selection of the goat a few days before christmas.
The tethering of the goat at the front of your house (your neighbours must observe and acknowledge say you no dey joke).
The fattening of the goat for a few days.
The slaughter on Christmas eve after night mass.
The singeing off of the fur.
The cutting up of the bits.
Pepper soup with the intestines.
Fried and stewed goat meat
Jollof rice and goat meat.
Omo forget o, goat meat is the king of meats!
5. Christmas "yawo": Again this is one Christmas activity that does not care about your ajebo status.
From morning till night, you are permitted to trek the entirety of the country (or until you run out of breath), going from home to home, parking yourself uninvited on any spare chair you find and waiting for number 6.
6. Christmas dash: Also known as "brother gbaarum christmas".
When you get to each and every one of your destinations as seen in number 5 above, first comes the Christmas chopsin: rice, chicken, goat meat, salad, chinchin and "minerals" (soft drinks to the uninitiated).
Then when you are done eating and drinking, this is also the one and only time of the year you are permitted to shamelessly beg for alms.
"Uncle/aunty/brother/sister gbaarum christmas", and out would come the shiny naira notes.
This is one of the few seasons in Nigeria when you buy naira with naira in order to appease gullible terrorists disguised as children. We were so "wise" then, that we preferred four shiny N5 notes to one shiny N50 notes.
We could count one to four.
And we knew that four is greater than one.
We were rich o, but only at Christmas.
7. Christmas breath: if you woke up on boxing day anything less than constipated, then you obviously did not have a good Christmas.
You are a learner.
The trick was to eat so much of a combination of all sorts from so many different homes, that your parents would spend a mini fortune on Andrew's liver salts and laxatives the next day to clear your stomach. They would also spend the equivalent of your proposed inheritance on air freshners to clear  the stench of  your rotten breath from the house.
And your local chemist can still make it to the village before the New Year in time to pick a wife from the left overs.
The ones the "innit" boys from "the abroading" did not pick.
What are your Christmas experiences like? Then and now, which do you prefer? Let's hear your stories.

What's holding you back?

There are very many factors that could determine your life status and progress and achievements along life's journeys, and top of the list are your village people.
You keep getting fired from every job you hold, it has to be your step mother or that poor defenceless old woman whom society has pushed to the little hut just on the edge of your village.
You can't seem to catch a break, every opportunity is filled just before you have a chance to grab it - your grandmother is a witch, she inherited it from her own grandmother who inherited from her own grandmother (ad nauseum).
You fall in and out of relationships like a carelessly tossed rubber ball, there is this old woman in your village who is so powerful that just by projecting evil thoughts, she can cause random person A (that is YOU), whom she perhaps has never met in her entire miserable life, to keep losing love interests over and over again.
Or so your shaman says.
Interestingly, these old women are never powerful enough to attract the elixir of eternal youth, the fountain of wealth and the assurances of a good existence for themselves and their probably as wretched families. Society needs a sin eater and who else do we blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives than the most obvious, most defenceless suspects.
After all, Nigeria has a white witches association and they meet in Benin - typical!
So, when you find yourself falling out of the umpteenth job or missing the quadrillionth opportunity or reeling out the gazillionth hard luck story, please do not sit yourself down to a private meeting of two (you and your conscience), and take a brisk walk back through the common denominator in all the misfortunes and missed opportunities you might have had - blame your village witches. Perhaps your personal attitude and work ethics have got absolutely nothing to do with why you are where you are.
Like time for instance: what relationship do you have with time? Do you give it as much respect as it deserves or do you treat it as a mere suggestion?
"Let's meet at 9 am", do you interpret that as - "try to be here at least five minutes before the appointed time" or "you know, you can start brushing your teeth at 9 am. Then send me an sms 15 minutes after and then in 30 minutes installments thereafter blaming everything but the culprit - you".
Time, and your relationship with it, can make or mar you.
What about your word? What does it mean when you say you are going to do something?
Is your word something you just spit out casually? Have you developed and honed flippancy to a fine art and dispense generously whenever you feel the need to "keep a conversation going", or is your word your bond?
Pretty soon, people are going to honestly avoid you when they notice that your words have no weight and absolutely no meaning whatsoever. They would rather see an honest attempt to stick to your words however inconveniencing, than rigmarolling around what should to all intents and purposes, be a verbal contract to deliver.
And then attitude - divas are supa, but a team player is best!
I remember someone once asking me in a management training, at what point his own goals should begin to supersede company goals...
"Goals like what"?
"Growth".
"Alongside or outside the company's career path plan"?
"Huh"?
In simple English, check in your "personal goals" at the door. This is a tricky one and I would try to elaborate a bit further.
IF your personal goals are at variance with the company goals, check them in at the door. Your goal is to help the company achieve its goals and beyond. Anything that threatens to derail the corporate goals could be termed a "conflict of interest".
Ambition is good, but how ambitious should you be within a corporate entity? How do you strive to achieve that ambition? Your personal gains and growth should come as a consequence of helping the company achieve its corporate gains and growths and not seek to annihilate everything on your way to personal glory.
So that means you work with a team - not against the team.
It also means you work within the company policy - not at variances with it.
For sure it means you can bend the rules and stretch them as far as they can go, provided you have the results that would prove you right in taking those liberties - don't break the rules.
Most importantly, if you feel the need to take over the position of a CEO, if you find it difficult to be subordinated to, if you are unable to work with a team - then it is time to "move your ministry to the permanent site" - resign and run your own show.
2015 is on its way out and in a few days, we would be ushering in a brand new year. Take a few honest minutes to introspect on what has worked for you over the years and why. If you have also been consistently failing (or failing to meet your goals), then you more than anyone else, owe yourself an honest introspection.
What habits do you need to retain going into the new year and why? Which ones would you need to drop and why? Any habits that need tweaking? Any skills that need polishing?
YOU are the common denominator in all your life's experiences and situations. You just need to be honest enough to realise that first.
And perhaps top on your New Year resolution list, should be giving your village "witches" a break.
Believe it or not, if they had all those supernatural abilities you ascribe to them, they would rather concentrate on finding ways to get Otedola or Dangote to write a will and leave them a huge chunk of their estates; than winching a sorry ass, broke ass churchrat who is not even co-ordinated enough to keep one messenger job in one decrepit organisation or the other.
No be yab, but even village "witches" suppose get ambition.
PS: How come most of the village witches whose flights crashland into high tension electric poles in and around a certain region in Nigeria are women? You mean after the housework and hustling to feed the home and having to put out for oga whether they are in the mood or not, they tumble into bed exhausted at night and instead of sleeping, take off on their brooms for some sort of meeting or the other? For real? Where are the men? No dulling biko. This is an industry you also need to come and dominate please.

Saturday 21 November 2015

Tedx Jabi: Determination, Drive, Discipline.

Ujuaku Akukwe: TEDx Jabi Licensee
Kicking off the event...
"How long are we going to be here mummy?" my daughter asked as we drove into the Sheraton Hotel and Towers venue of the TEDx Jabi.

"Maximum one and a half hours, I am just hear to listen to Sola Kuti and soon as he is done, we can leave," I replied.

We were not prepared for a long stay, we had a few other things to catch up with, I had an appointment for about an hour after the event was billed to start so we hoped it would be a quick one: in and out at the speed of light.

If wishes were horses...

DJ Fusion: Sierra Leonian wonder kid.
He built an entire radio station from scrap.
Listening to young DJ Fusion from Sierra Leone as the video of his talk at the TEDx Teen set the mood for the day, I snuck a peek at my ten-year-old daughter. She had been fiddling with her tablet and waiting for me to tire of the event so we could leave, she was engrossed with the video.

Almost at the edge of her seat, she watched with rapt attention as the 15-year-old spoke about how a found fame pursuing his hobby, building a radio station out of scrap.

That video was the perfect way to set the tone for the event as I had noticed in the hall, a row full of students from one or two schools in Abuja.

Ronke Bello: Head Sports Desk at Naij.com and
sports journalist. Nice outfit, can we kidnap your tailor please?
Ronke Bello, Head of Sports on Naij.com was the first speaker. Well, her bubbly personality was visible just under the edges of her presentation but was sadly stifled by nerves?!?!? Perhaps! Not a good way to follow up the brilliant video that he kicked off the event, perhaps she would have fared better as a mid way speaker?

Anyway the man whom I had come to hear speak, Sola Kuti, came on next and everyone perked up a little. His topic Good Governance: The Killer of Corruption, was guaranteed to tug at the heartstrings of every Nigerian seated in the hall.

Sola Kuti: His presentation was so on point, it needed
some cheesy Western music playing in the background.
Sola had the experience of being a one-time gubernatorial aspirant for Lagos State, as well as setting up small entrepreneurships in his day job as a Small Business Consultant. He was therefore able to expertly bring in a fresh perspective to the corruption dilemma in the Nigerian space, dissecting the issue and solutions from different angles that had the audience break into appreciative applause from time to time. I guess the killer punch for his presentation after he had clearly shown the difference between "corruption of need" and "corruption of greed" was, "If the government is serious about fighting corruption, then they would need to first eradicate poverty".

Simple!

My name is Kiki James and I am a misfit!
Re-inventing charity in Nigeria
Laila SMD: We must not all be entrepreneurs.
Some of us can find our purpose and fulfillment
in rendering complementary services to entrepreneurs
TEDx Jabi offered a wide and interesting array of motivating speakers. From Kiki James who spoke about the challenges in setting up a charity organisation and finding donors to help the poor, and the triumphs she found along the way; to Laila St. Mathew Daniel who encouraged attendees to "empower your weaknesses all the time and not your strengths because in your weaknesses lie your strength."

The roll call of speakers included the maverick Charly Boy (real name Charles Oputa and fondly called Area Fada) who closed the show with a big bang in his characteristic way; Buffy Okeke Ojiudu who expertly wove his presentation on "Understanding your Purpose", around the Lion King animated series; the immediate past minister for youth and sports development was also present and then... how do we talk about Sadiq Dambatta?

Sadiq Dambatta - Young. Determined
Driven. Disciplined. TripleD!
Young, spell-binding, witty and entertaining, this young man chose the theme for this year's TEDx Jabi for his keynote speech. Speaking on "Determination, Drive and Discipline", he assured all that it is in following your passion through to achievement, that you derive a satisfaction that cannot be quantified.

The verdict from most of us? Sadiq is Bae.

First standing ovation of TEDx Jabi 2015? Check!

The students from Aduvie College and Olumawu Schools were not to be left out. They put up drama sketches and expressed their thoughts in spoken word presentations that me wondering at a point how they could have amassed such deep perspectives at such young ages.

Another maverick Onyeka Nwelue walked on stage barefoot and apparently, without the permission of his village gods who promptly cut off the sound supply to his microphone and started flickering around with the lights.
Onyeka Nwelue: Whether you like it or
not, I am a University Professor without
a PhD

"Haba", he protested, "dem don follow me reach here?"

After Onyeka's village gods had been pacified and they restored his ability to use the microphones, he had the audience rolling in laughter with his presentation as he freestyled between English, his native Igbo and pidgin.

The Professor of Modern Languages and Cultures at the University of Hong Kong spoke about how he would tour the world - only 27 years old, he had visited most of the countries in the world - teaching for free. He closed his session by asking the audience what their passions were and what would they willingly do for free to make the world a better place.

At this point, you must have worked out that our planned "hit and run" turned out to be a "stay and bear witness", small wonder considering how rich and well packaged the event turned out to be. Arik Air who had thrown its corporate weight behind the event should be proud that it had contributed to the magnificent outing. One could not help but ask why the next edition of TEDx Jabi could not come a bit earlier.

So, aside from the little fact that the event had not adhered strictly to time, kicking off some ten minutes behind schedule; and the other tiny fact that my personal preference would have been for a punchier start (perhaps Laila SMD); TEDx Jabi was for me, an excellent way to spend an entire Saturday (that is if you do not have party jollof rice calling your name at a wedding or birthday party o - party jollof rice is bae).

And for my daughter, at some point during the event I turned to her and asked, "can we go home now?"

"Why?" She protested, "what are we going home to do? I am having fun here!"

Abi o! Lol.

As the 2015 edition of TEDx Jabi themed "Determination, Drive, Discipline" drew to a close, and the audience networked on their way out, I knew I would not have any problems persuading my daughter to accompany me to the next edition, she was already chomping at the bit for it.

Well done Ujuaku Akukwe, TEDx Jabi licensee.

Kudos Arik Air.

And big ups to all the panelists for making this a super awesome session.

PS: You can follow the hashtags #TedxJabi #DeterminationDriveDiscipline and #TripleD to follow loads of quick snippets from the event, and watch out for the videos on YouTube.




Networking at the event



Buffy Ojiudu - Simba knew WHO he was, but it
took the prompting and guidance of the wise old Rafiki for him
to discover his purpose. That was the drive he needed to succeed.


Onyeka Nwelue and John Bethuel Ezeugo: Self-taught guitarist
now a music coach and instrumentalist

Also at the event: Bolaji Abdullahi
Fmr. Minister of Sports and Youth Development


If you call me who I am not, I am not bothered.
You cannot determine my story - Charly Boy
Making new friends

Meeting new people

When you lose the right to be different, you lose
the privilege to be free - Charly Boy


First he took a picture OF the audience, then
a selfie WITH the audience - Charly Boy.

More faces from #TEDxJabi

Sola Kuti, Ujuaku Akukwe and a guest at TEDxJabi



Monday 16 November 2015

Diet killers...

Hands up ladies on a diet...

Hands up ladies on a diet who have friends working hard behind the scenes and right up there in your face to sabotage the diet...

If all you have are "supportive" friends who ooh and aah at every nano inch you lose; and pass the cardboard cookies just as you are about to reach for that decadent slice of red velvet cake, then sorry love, you are not on a diet.

You are not on a diet until you have had that truly concerned friend who keeps pushing you to take one extra shaki, eat an extra slice of cake, have an extra scoop of ice cream...

She urges you on to eat and drink and be merry after all, "no one knows tomorrow".

She is the first to hold your hand when you climb on the scales and to your shocked dismay, the scale "broke up" and is now maliciously adding on the kilos.

She will comfort you and assure you that all these diets do not work anyway, better be fat and happy than skinny and miserable.

"But I want to be skinny. I will determine my mood when I get skinny but for now, can't I just squeeze into a wardrobe full of size 16s if I want?"

"But you know you don't have willpower na," she reminds you. That other time you were trying to lose weight on GNLD, you failed.

Tianshi was a woe.

FLP was just plain awful.

Edmack? Pshawwww...

And so you believe her and tell people, "I am happy the way I am. I am fun sized and gorgeous, not every one has to be skinny, the key is to be healthy."

You see, you have never really dieted, until you are Dying Inside Eating Trash, with the equally "big boned" accomplice urging you on to eat more.

So one day, you walk into your burial ground of dreams - different shades and boxes of "wonder diets" that left your bank account wondering who brainwashed you; clothes you bought because you were "going to be serious about losing weight this one time and would fit into a size zero from size 26 in a split second"; and memories of you and your friend stuffing your faces and clowning for the camera.

Then it dawns on you - you don't really want to lose weight do you?

Your fat is a convenient crutch or else, you know what to do.

So you stand up and hobble slowly over to the mirror. You take off all your clothes and pinch a handful of belly blubber - you don't "pinch" actually, your hands are full and overflowing - and you say to yourself, "never again".

The fad diets...

The binge sessions...

The living in denial...

The not so friendly friends...

Success has so many strange bedfellows, but fat suffers from separation anxiety.

Three months down the line and as many dress sizes down and still shrinking, you are happier and healthier... the clothes fit better.

Your friend bumps into you after a long while of deliberate avoidance (on your part).

"Hah! Seems like you lost a looooooot of weight o".

She "hahs" some more when you tell her exactly how much you have shed in the past ninety days and then just as expected, she goes: "But I trust you, you do not have willpower. You will soon fall off the wagon and start eating everything in sight".

Expected, but it still stings anyway.

She of all people, should have understood. You turn and walk a few steps away from her, then turn back and watch as she waddles away.

Fat is a miserable loner. And when it feels kindred spirits drift away, it suffers from terrible, debilitating, separation anxiety.

You wait a few hours and just before you go to bed, you place a call across to her.

"Hi babe, would you like me to send across the meal and exercise plan I used to shed the weight? I miss our friendship and if you like, we can do this together".

The silence from the other end lingers for just one nano second too long and then if you had blinked, you would have missed the whispered, teary response:

"Yes. Yes please".

Sunday 15 November 2015

Something fishy...

Erm, weight loss things.

Don't know where to file this under so I gues I would just go with "those things you think would tast really yucky until you eat them and discover they are somehow "yum".

Fish (doesn't have to look as sexy as mine)
Pepper (about 2 medium sized balls)
Onion (One medium bulb)
Salt (about 1/8th of a teaspoon)
Cabbage
Beetroot.

Blend your pepper (as much as you can stand really), and onion together, mix in a little bowl with the salt.

With a sharp knife - who am I kidding, even a blunt knife will do the job - make two or three horizontal cuts across the fish on both sides. Just score the fish until knife almost meets bone on both sides.

Rub in your pepper, onion and salt paste, ensure the fish is well coated with it, stuff in the cuts you scored on the fish, stuff the gills, then rub any left over mix all over the fish.

Place in a pot on the fire on very low heat, rinse out your pepper plate with about a quarter cup of water and pour into the fish. Cover and allow to simmer on one side for five minutes, then flip over to the other side and simmer for another five minutes.

(We are Nigerians, we cook our fish to "done". In normal English, that means we cook it to stupor and until the fish shouts out for help).

Okay, ten minutes cooking time altogether, the fish should be well cooked through, take the pot off the heat and set aside. What were you doing during the ten minutes cooking time? You were keeping up with the Kardashians?

Tsk, tsk...

This is what you ought to have been doing: grating or thinly shredding your cabbage and beetroot.

Arrange the shredded vegetables on a plate and place your fish on it.

Voila...

See, you didn't need too many eengrejens and it still came out tasting fab. Na so. Diet food does not have to taste like cardboard paper to be effective.

Okay o, tuck in and enjoy!

Bon apetit!


Crimson death


It was an ordinary day the day she died, a day like every other.

Maybe if she had known she would die that day, she would have woken up a bit earlier so she could have enough time to drink ijebu garri with sugar and ice cold water. She loved ijebu garri.

She was just 11 years old, it was just 10.30 am by the clock in the parlor, she had just had breakfast of akamu and akara and she knew that if she asked mummy for ijebu garri, she would look up from her laptop where she was always tap, tap, tapping away and say

"No"
"But mummy I am hungry"
"You just ate"
"But I am really, really hungry"
"You have worms, I will deworm you tomorrow"

*sigh*

She wanted to go to heaven so she was going to die like Jesus. She lay down on the bed spread-eagled, then tried to pull up her knees a little bit in the "Jesus" pose.

Very uncomfortable.

How did Jesus manage it? Anyway, he did not have a choice, she did and this was a very uncomfortable pose. She quickly adjusted herself, "let me make myself comfortable before I die here o. Oh wait, I am dying already. Let me just adjust myself and get used to it, mummy said we should be like Jesus so we can go to heaven when we die".

The door creaked open and her mom peered in.

"Uloma, why are you lying down like that?"
"Mummy, I am dying."
"Oh my baby, what is it?"

Mummy ran in, held her close and rocked her back and forth.

She reached down and showed mummy the crotch of her white panties soaked in bright red blood.


And mummy broke into relieved laughter and hugged her closer.

Sunday 1 November 2015

Chicken soup for the lazy soul...

Ah hah!

I found this picture and remembered my extremely couch-worthy chicken soup recipe...

A real hoof stirrer if there ever was one!

How did I stumble on this recipe?

1. I was home alone (interpreted as "no small madam making extremely complicated food requests").
2. I was hungry.
3. I was not in the mood to switch on the gas and bring out pots.
4. I was hungry!
5. I had chicken.

See ehn, chicken is a life saver. Whatever else you choose not to have at home, just make sure you have chicken ehn? You will remember this advice and thank me the day you wake up by 12 midnight with an attack of the snackies, open your freezer and all you have there is...

.

.

.

.

Chicken!!!!!

Chicken of laive!

Okay o, over to the recipe...

Open your freezer (how else were you going to get the chicken? Duhhh!), and grab your chicken.

Throw said chicken into a bowl that can sit for at least ten minutes in the microwave without blowing into smithereens or melting into a pool of chicken plus plastic warreva.

Rinse the chicken.

Sprinkle on salt (to taste), pepper (to taste) and any other fresh or dried herbs and seasoning of your choice.

Slice all of a medium onion bulb into the bowl.

Stir to mix in the seasonings, add about a quarter cup of water and pop into the microwave for 5 minutes.

When your microwave 💡, open and turn the chicken over to let the other side cook. Return and cook for another 5 minutes, add some more water if needed.

Remember we are cooking from frozen, so you need all that time to ensure you are not eating raw chicken - salmonella and all that jazz!

When your microwave 🚨again, if you have chopped veggies, throw them on the chicken, mix in well and cook for 3 - 5 minutes.

Remove.

Eat.

Enjoy.

Yeah, yeah... microwave!

#OkayBye...

Whose party is it anyway?

Last week, small madam was invited to a birthday party.
I am a "drop and run" or "stick strictly to invitations" person so I crosschecked the invite to see that SHE alone was invited, packed her swimming trunks as instructed and zoomed off to the venue.
Getting there, I saw a number of parents seated around the pool and a number of carers and minders too, some of whom knew her and me from school so I handed her over to them and zoomed.
Cut to pick up time, as I was leaving from drop off - the parent of the celebrant had asked me to take my time and come back whenever I could. If they were not poolside, they would be back home - so I drove to their house about an hour after the time stated on the card for pick up.
As the little girl walked small madam out to the car, she stopped and said to me:
"I did not enjoy my party".
Oh no, I thought and turned to her, "why? What happened?"
"The adults were the ones having all the fun. They just left us in the pool and gave us a little bit of snacks and some juice then they were just drinking and eating meat and dancing."
"Awwwwwww. So sorry to hear that," I replied, "but I hope you still enjoyed yourself with your friends?"
At this point, the poor girl was almost in years...
"I did not. I did not enjoy my own party. All the time I have been dreaming of my tenth birthday party, this was not what I wanted it to be like."
Oh dear!
Her mummy was still at "her daughter's birthday party", so I did my best to comfort the little girl. She was not finding it funny at all.
As I left and made a mental note to discuss it with her mummy, I paused and thought a little.
Back then, I used to throw "birthday parties" for my daughter where my friends and I had all the fun, sometimes at the expense of the celebrant and her friends. All those clowns and MCs that would make the little ones entertain the guests with all sorts of games.
I think it was at her fifth birthday that I suddenly came to the realisation that the celebrant was not deriving any benefits from the elaborate parties where we would rent canopies and buy choice wines and set out a spread of exotic food - they didn't know and therefore, just didn't care.
We were throwing all those parties for ourselves and our friends and using the poor kids as a front.
Honestly, if I could re write the criminal code, I would write in hosting a party for your friends and using your kid's birthday as a front, as child abuse. Punishable under section whorreva subsection warreva with some Zamfara styles lashings of the cane.
Anyway, when I came to that realisation, I started asking small madam a few months to her birthday the simple question: "how would you like to celebrate your birthday this year", and the answer ALWAYS amazed me...
Always.
For her 6th, she wanted a class party.
For her 7th, she wanted a house party with her cousins and friends in the estate.
For her 8th, she wanted a house party with a carefully picked list of 10 friends.
For her 9th, she wanted dinner in a Chinese restaurant with a few friends.
For her 10th, she wanted to see the movies with about 15 of her friends...
Two things played out for me while we walked through this process of giving the child the birthday SHE wanted:
1. At no point in time did she choose to have a party in a park with bouncy castles and obnoxious clowns and 700 adults she does not know plus 400 children some of whom she knew vaguely with foods she would probably taste and spit out...
2. As a direct consequence of 1 above, my pocket has gladly gone along with all her requests without groaning and grumbling and having to be coaxed along.
And in the course of (1) and (2) above, I also realised that the child was carefully picking experiences that mattered to her. She was sharing the memories of her birthdays building new memories that made a lot of meaning to her, experiences she could look back on and relate with.
My heart went out to the little girl whose party was hijacked by adults...
We are all guilty of it aren't we?
Parents living vicariously through their children.
Thank God for the economy which seems completely disinterested in favouring anyhow spending. Chopping money anyhow because the thing full everywhere dey troway.
Maybe, just maybe, we can find other reasons to hang out with our friends and do whatever it is we would like to do with them and leave the kids to create birthday experiences that would make meaning.
Maybe!

Saturday 31 October 2015

A night out with the Arojah Royal Theatre and Sofia Freden's Hand in Hand

When we got to the gate of the Ambassador's Residence, we needed to stop and show our invitation. I had not printed one out, but I had a saved e copy on my device and showed that to the gateman.

Wonder of wonders. He crosschecked against his list p my name was nowhere to be found. However, my friend who I had invited to tag along as my "plus one", was boldly inscribed on the list. We laughingly signed in as "her plus one", and I jokingly told her that if they were catching people, na her name dey for paper as evidence, not mine.

Past the security and we were directed towards the small ante room where the Arojah Royal Theatre was doing a final rehearsal of their command performance of Sofia Freden's #HandInHand for the Swedish Embassy in Nigeria.

Arojah was staging this play as part of it's "Cultural Diplomacy Production", through which it strove to encourage theatre without borders, adapting plays from different cultures and perspectives to suit the Nigerian narrative.

We were quite early, 45 minutes to be precise, and so just hung around and got a few drinks while the stage was set up and the lights were dimmed.

Hand in hand follows the story of Nina, a free spirited Swedish lady who was given a flat by a much older man, Garry. Since he handed her the flat "no strings attached", she had moved in with her boyfriend Alan and lived there for a year. Suddenly, Garry called out of the blues to announce he would like to come visit Nina in the apartment.

In desperation, Nina threw her boyfriend Alan out. As she tried to make ready for Garry's visit, an admirer came calling. Aaron, the admirer, had lost his house to a fire and needed a place to stay.

Nina welcomed him in and while she struggled with the decision to let him stay, Alan returned and attempted to throw Aaron out. This move forced Nina to take a decision. Aaron would stay, they would both stay.

Confused? Don't be... yet!

A knock on the door brought in Peter, Aaron's brother who also needed a place to stay. Nina let him in too and left briefly to sort out a few things.

Her neighbour Nadia comes into her house, sees Aaron and convinces him to fall in love with her. Peter, Aaron's brother comes into the room and it turns out Nadia was the girl he had met in the hotel the previous night, fallen in love with, and given his brother's money too.

Just as the tension in the love quadrangle  (or menage a quinze) was beginning to build up, Garry comes in and turns out to be Aaron's father.

Alan orders everyone out of the house and as he tries to hit Garry with an iron rod, misses and hits Nina instead. That knock on the head snapped her out of her apparent confusion since the first curtains opened, and she took a decision to remain with Alan.

Phew.

A satire about the Swedish society yes, but easily transposable to the Nigerian society. How indecisive we seem to be in terms of what we want and how we hope to achieve it and how we keep throwing all sorts of incompatible variables into the mix.

Reaching all sorts of deals and making all sorts of compromises in search of an ideal that might have been sitting right beside us from the onset. Perhaps we all need a collective knock on the head to jolt us out of our confusion.

Perhaps!

The actors did justice to the plot with Longret Dalong as Nina, bringing the character to light in such a convincing manner that the audience lived the whirlwind of emotions she portrayed in the short space of about 70 minutes the play lasted.

Costume and make up was perfectly executed and helped to bring out the different scenes, mannerisms and characteristics of the different actors.

I whispered to my friend who asked once why the lights were dim at a point, that lighting in stage plays are an integral part of the story. They assist the characters portray their moods and emotions and help to bring the storyline to live for the audience.

Perhaps because the ante room that was used for the play was a bit small, as the creative director of the Arojah Royal Theatre, Omo'Oba Jerry Adesewo jokingly called it - it was a parlour performance - there were one or two points were there was a slack in the use of lighting, but of course that would only be visible to the trained eyes.

Overall, it was an excellent performance and like the Swedish Ambassador, Mr Svante Kilander mentioned in his opening remark, hopefully as the play begins its tours and showings, it can challenge people to think and draw parallels to the society they currently live in, and foster a deeper union between Nigeria and Sweden.

If you would like to catch a rerun of the stage play, it would be showing at the Ladi Kwali Conference Hall of the Sheraton Hotel and Towers Abuja today the 31st of October 2015, at 3.00pm.

The gate fee is a modest N1,000 only.

Pictures from the stage below...


















Tuesday 27 October 2015

Your Eyes... by Emily Iduseri Osa



What does it take to get an original Emily Millionaire poem? Well, I put up my big eyed picture and get not one, but two instant, drop it like it's a flaming pat of hot amala poems, straight from the stable's of one of Facebook's finest Instapoets.

Thanks, Emily Millionaire, you do me proud.




For Viola Ifeyinwa Okolie

Beyond the smile
The journey of miles
Behind the eyes
What lies

The strength from within
The courage to begin
Taking it all,
Still standing tall

Building the wall
That would not fall
Beyond the smile
Beyond the eyes
Treasures of gold
Within her breast lies.


For Viola Ifeyinwa Okolie 2
Le Picture which sparked off Le poems and Les big big eyes!

Let me sink
In your eyes
That I may rise
In your smile

Let me be lost
In your eyes
That I maybe found
In your smile

Let me into
Your paradise
That forever
I maybe illuminated
By your smile

Let me dip
In the pool of your eyes
That I may rise
To the kiss of your smile

Let me,
Let me
For my heart
Is hypnotised
By the spell
That is your eyes.

copyright: Emily Iduseri Osa. 27.10.2015





Mac and Goat...



We were at the shops the other day and Small Madam stopped by a row of pretty plates.

"Since you like to take pictures of your food and put on Facebook, why don't you at least get some less embarrassing plates?"

*side eye*

I know what I'd like to get, a pair of socks for stuffing in someone's mouth.

Anyway, didn't buy the plates, but am still taking food pictures anyway. I am sure one of these days, a very embarrassed Small Madam is going to drag me to the food picture police for attempting to embarrass her silly.

Yeah, where were we?

Food!

Oyinbo have their mac and cheese, we have our mac and goat. Same concept (or maybe not), different eengreejens!

*feeling like a proper chef*

For our mac and goat, you will need:

1 pack of pasta (your choice of brand and shape and blablabla)
200 grams shredded goat meat
1 large sweet green pepper (you do know they come in different tastes I hope)
1 large red bell pepper (tatase)
2 small red onions
2 scotch bonnets (feeling like ajebo. Actually known as atarodo)
2 large carrots
1 cup fresh tomato puree
About 2 soup spoons of vegetable oil.
1 wrap of knorr cubes
1/4 teaspoon salt
And if you swing that way, curry and thyme powder.

Remember this is "cooking from the couch, stirring with your hoof, easy does it" style? No pressures!

Okay, how do we start now? Hmmmm...

Set a pot on the fire with about a litre of water, one tablespoon of vegetable oil and half a teaspoon of oil. Bring to the boil and place your pasta in the boiling water.

Cover, lower the heat a little and allow to simmer for, emmmmm, can we agree 10 minutes is okay?

We can?

Good.

While your pasta is boiling, slice, dice and shred your goat meat, carrots, peppers and onions.

Ten minutes on the hob, strain your pasta in a colander (sieve to the natives), and dunk the pasta filled sieve in a bowl of cold water to stop the cooking.

Drain.

Set empty pot on fire, dry it out and turn in the vegetable oil and salt. Add the onions to the oil, fry for like a minute, then dump in the goat meat. Stir fry for a few minutes and in go the atarodo and tomato puree. Cover pot and allow to simmer for a minute, then throw in the carrots and yeah, we nearly forgot the pasta didn't we?

In they go.

Cover pot, allow to simmer for two minutes. Taste and correct seasoning if need be (I'd say why bother?), then stir in the red and green bell peppers.

Take pot off the hob.

Turn to mix in properly.

Serve.

(This is the important part)

Put your feet up on a shiny glass table, and tuck in.

Bon appetit!

Phew!

This recipe wan be like say e come long pass as I been dey plan o. Abi how una take reason am? Abeg, if you get an easier recipe, drop it in the comments box below , and next time oyinbo gushes about mac and cheese, feel free to gush about ya own mac and goat.

You can thank me layra!

Ngwa byeeeeee!



Amazon!

What???

Grace could feel the blood vessels about to pop in her temple.

What? Who dared to drop that kain silly comment on her thread? Must be a first timer. E be like say the person no know. Dem no tell am before say person no dey just take anyhow waka on top her wall?

Kai!

She hit both sides of her head with her open palms, then picked up her phone. She gazed into the distance briefly for a few minutes while she composed her thoughts and decided which words would send a barb straight into the heart of the commenter.

Make she just kill am finish one hand.

Yeye just dey smell up and down. No be hin fault.

"What exactly do you mean by asking who authorised me to dispense marital advice? You, by what authority are you constituting a nuisance of yourself all over social media?"

Almost as soon as her comment dropped, the "likes" began to pour in.

Comments:

"The Amazon".
"We know say you  no see the comment since na hin make you no respond."
"Who be the baggar wey dey make our Amazon vex like this?"

And so on and so forth. Faithful followers of the posts on her wall where she dispensed no-nonsense, no-holds-barred, no-punches-pulled relationship advice.

Today for instance, someone had come inbox and sought advice on how to handle a husband who was not being as responsive as he used to be.

"Please help me and put this up on your wall Aunty Grace. Please hide my identity and let your readers advice me on what to do".

She had put up the long story on her wall. Something about the man not responding to his wife's sexual advances. He would come back from work with a very sour countenance, eat his meal grumpily, get into bed and turn his back on his poor, long-suffering wife.

The poor woman had tried everything to get her husband to pay her some attention.

Music...

Perfumes...

Scented candles (she alomst burnt down the house with that one).

In desperation, the anonymous but frustrated young wife had written to the tough-talking Aunty Grace in search of a solution.

Grace had put up the story on her wall in her usual fashion, then proceeded to add her opinion underneath:

"This is why I said that women especially should shine their eyes before they marry. What sort of nonsense is that? How will he finish eating and then turn his back on his wife? I don't blame him. I blame the wife who continues to give him food when ordinary sex, he cannot give her back in return. Nonsense. Divorce him and marry a more caring man joor".

And the "likes" from the regulars on her wall who were more wary of being at the receiving end of her sharp tongue than they were of their abilities to sound like a gaggle of geese, endorsed and echoed her opinion. 

Except for that one comment.

That dared to oppose her? Nonsense comment, she was sure that in his small brain, the person believed he was making sense when he said, "Grace that is too harsh. Divorce for what? The man might be passing through work and other life stress, perhaps she should seek counselling or involve trusted parties to find out what the issues were".

Grace was not in the mood for that kind of yeye talk.

"Is he a baby? Why should she have to go through all that stress and cajole him to get him to talk? Chai. Women are suffering o. Arrant nonsense."

"But Grace, are you married? If yes, is that how you would handle it if it were to be your husband?"

"First off, my marital status and issues are none of your concern. Secondly, I will not even think of marrying a man who will not confide in me as soon as something begins to disturb him o..."

"Hmmm, that might be easy to say but in a marriage situation, you have to take your partner into consideration most times."

"That is for the Proverbs 31 woman, not me. If any man tries that nonsense with me, I will deal with him properly."

====================================

Grace clicked on the status update button.
"What's on your mind," the social networking app asked her.

"Plenty", she thought as she started typing a rant on husbands and how they would attempt to manipulate their wives into waiting on them hand and foot.

She ranted about "equal rice for human beans" and how marriage was just a piece of paper. If it was her decision to take, she would just scrap marriage and stop the oppression of women by yeye men masquerading as husbands. She would just promulgate a decree that would allow people just cohabit and bear children.

Somewhere in the far recesses of her mind, she heard the security gate sliding open. A quick scan of the status update for errors and finding none, she clicked on "post update", then stood up and adjusted her dress.

Just as she switched off the device she had been using and slipped it in between the couch pillows (she would hide it properly after he had gone to bed), and switched on the smaller blackberry phone where she was the admin on a few virtuous women prayer platforms and meeting groups, the door opened and her husband came in.

"Good afternoon Sugar,"  she greeted, bending one knee slightly.

"Hmmmph."

"How was work today?"

"Hmmmph".

"Baby talk to me now, what do you want to eat?"

"Nothing."

"Hah, you can't  say "nothing" o, baby. You have not eaten my food in the past seven days. Please baby, okay tell me what you want to eat and let me start cooking now. I made your favourite yam porridge with vegetables but if you don't want it, I can pound yam with vegetable soup instead. Please baby. Please, just talk to me."