Amazon!

What???

Grace could feel the blood vessels about to pop in her temple.

What? Who dared to drop that kain silly comment on her thread? Must be a first timer. E be like say the person no know. Dem no tell am before say person no dey just take anyhow waka on top her wall?

Kai!

She hit both sides of her head with her open palms, then picked up her phone. She gazed into the distance briefly for a few minutes while she composed her thoughts and decided which words would send a barb straight into the heart of the commenter.

Make she just kill am finish one hand.

Yeye just dey smell up and down. No be hin fault.

"What exactly do you mean by asking who authorised me to dispense marital advice? You, by what authority are you constituting a nuisance of yourself all over social media?"

Almost as soon as her comment dropped, the "likes" began to pour in.

Comments:

"The Amazon".

"We know say you  no see the comment since na hin make you no respond."

"Who be the baggar wey dey make our Amazon vex like this?"

And so on and so forth. Faithful followers of the posts on her wall where she dispensed no-nonsense, no-holds-barred, no-punches-pulled relationship advice.

Today for instance, someone had come inbox and sought advice on how to handle a husband who was not being as responsive as he used to be.

"Please help me and put this up on your wall Aunty Grace. Please hide my identity and let your readers advice me on what to do".

She had put up the long story on her wall. Something about the man not responding to his wife's sexual advances. He would come back from work with a very sour countenance, eat his meal grumpily, get into bed and turn his back on his poor, long-suffering wife.

The poor woman had tried everything to get her husband to pay her some attention.

Music...

Perfumes...

Scented candles (she alomst burnt down the house with that one).

In desperation, the anonymous but frustrated young wife had written to the tough-talking Aunty Grace in search of a solution.

Grace had put up the story on her wall in her usual fashion, then proceeded to add her opinion underneath:

"This is why I said that women especially should shine their eyes before they marry. What sort of nonsense is that? How will he finish eating and then turn his back on his wife? I don't blame him. I blame the wife who continues to give him food when ordinary sex, he cannot give her back in return. Nonsense. Divorce him and marry a more caring man joor".

And the "likes" from the regulars on her wall who were more wary of being at the receiving end of her sharp tongue than they were of their abilities to sound like a gaggle of geese, endorsed and echoed her opinion. 

Except for that one comment.

That dared to oppose her? Nonsense comment, she was sure that in his small brain, the person believed he was making sense when he said, "Grace that is too harsh. Divorce for what? The man might be passing through work and other life stress, perhaps she should seek counselling or involve trusted parties to find out what the issues were".

Grace was not in the mood for that kind of yeye talk.

"Is he a baby? Why should she have to go through all that stress and cajole him to get him to talk? Chai. Women are suffering o. Arrant nonsense."

"But Grace, are you married? If yes, is that how you would handle it if it were to be your husband?"

"First off, my marital status and issues are none of your concern. Secondly, I will not even think of marrying a man who will not confide in me as soon as something begins to disturb him o..."

"Hmmm, that might be easy to say but in a marriage situation, you have to take your partner into consideration most times."

"That is for the Proverbs 31 woman, not me. If any man tries that nonsense with me, I will deal with him properly."

====================================

Grace clicked on the status update button.

"What's on your mind," the social networking app asked her.

"Plenty", she thought as she started typing a rant on husbands and how they would attempt to manipulate their wives into waiting on them hand and foot.

She ranted about "equal rice for human beans" and how marriage was just a piece of paper. If it was her decision to take, she would just scrap marriage and stop the oppression of women by yeye men masquerading as husbands. She would just promulgate a decree that would allow people just cohabit and bear children.

Somewhere in the far recesses of her mind, she heard the security gate sliding open. A quick scan of the status update for errors and finding none, she clicked on "post update", then stood up and adjusted her dress.

Just as she switched off the device she had been using and slipped it in between the couch pillows (she would hide it properly after he had gone to bed), and switched on the smaller blackberry phone where she was the admin on a few virtuous women prayer platforms and meeting groups, the door opened and her husband came in.

"Good afternoon Sugar,"  she greeted, bending one knee slightly.

"Hmmmph."

"How was work today?"

"Hmmmph".

"Baby talk to me now, what do you want to eat?"

"Nothing."

"Hah, you can't  say "nothing" o, baby. You have not eaten my food in the past seven days. Please baby, okay tell me what you want to eat and let me start cooking now. I made your favourite yam porridge with vegetables but if you don't want it, I can pound yam with vegetable soup instead. Please baby. Please, just talk to me."