Take Seven for the Fat Girls...

Sometimes being fat is fun... until you have to find clothes that fit.

Sometimes, being fat is not so fun and most of that comes from biting down hard on your tongue to stop the obvious retorts to some gaffes you hear from the socially disadvantaged bunch.

Take Seven completely clueless comments NOT to make to the fat girl, and what but for the grace of God (and our teeths chomping down on our tongues), your ears would be ringing with.

Take 1  You are fat!

You reckon? I can swear I was a size zero when I left home today. You mean I am fat now? For real? Chai, diaristgotuo!

Take 2  You shouldn't be eating that.

 Why? What is the problem? Is it poisonous? Am I going to die if I eat it? Or perhaps just this one thing stands between me and an extra 10 pounds? Would you rather be eating it? Because if you ask me, you should be getting some fat between your skin and bones.

Take 3  Are you planning to eat again?

 Errrrrm, no. I just want to worship this plate of food right here in front of me and let it know how its presence is contributing to world peace in these troubled times.

Take 4  You should take this tea or take up that exercise?

 Really? You should get a brain!

Take 5  That was how this friend of mine lost one million kg.

 Good on her. That was how this other friend of mine learnt to mind her own business. One day like that, she "chooked" her mouth in a matter that did not concern her and the original owner of the matter rearranged her face.

Take 6  You'd be so much prettier if you were slimmer.

 Funny you should say that, I was just about to observe that you'd be considered more intelligent if you kept your unsolicited opinions to yourself more often.

Take 7  It takes a lot of determination and will power to lose weight.

 You don't say? For real? Any available stats on how much determination and will power it takes to receive sense? Gerrarahia.

Seriously folks, if your opinion was not solicited and the fat is not about to suffocate you; If your food is not missing and you do not suspect the fat person in front of you is about to eat you up, please keep the fat shaming opinions to yourself.

You might never understand the struggle, which is real by the way. Or perhaps, you might just be an extremely clueless and tactless someborri.

In which case *in Pastor Chris Oyakhilome's voice* "Here is some sense. Take it, take it.... rrrrrrrrrrreceive it!"

Diet killers...

Hands up ladies on a diet...

Hands up ladies on a diet who have friends working hard behind the scenes and right up there in your face to sabotage the diet...

If all you have are "supportive" friends who ooh and aah at every nano inch you lose; and pass the cardboard cookies just as you are about to reach for that decadent slice of red velvet cake, then sorry love, you are not on a diet.

You are not on a diet until you have had that truly concerned friend who keeps pushing you to take one extra shaki, eat an extra slice of cake, have an extra scoop of ice cream...

She urges you on to eat and drink and be merry after all, "no one knows tomorrow".

She is the first to hold your hand when you climb on the scales and to your shocked dismay, the scale "broke up" and is now maliciously adding on the kilos.

She will comfort you and assure you that all these diets do not work anyway, better be fat and happy than skinny and miserable.

"But I want to be skinny. I will determine my mood when I get skinny but for now, can't I just squeeze into a wardrobe full of size 16s if I want?"

"But you know you don't have willpower na," she reminds you. That other time you were trying to lose weight on GNLD, you failed.

Tianshi was a woe.

FLP was just plain awful.

Edmack? Pshawwww...

And so you believe her and tell people, "I am happy the way I am. I am fun sized and gorgeous, not every one has to be skinny, the key is to be healthy."

You see, you have never really dieted, until you are Dying Inside Eating Trash, with the equally "big boned" accomplice urging you on to eat more.

So one day, you walk into your burial ground of dreams - different shades and boxes of "wonder diets" that left your bank account wondering who brainwashed you; clothes you bought because you were "going to be serious about losing weight this one time and would fit into a size zero from size 26 in a split second"; and memories of you and your friend stuffing your faces and clowning for the camera.

Then it dawns on you - you don't really want to lose weight do you?

Your fat is a convenient crutch or else, you know what to do.

So you stand up and hobble slowly over to the mirror. You take off all your clothes and pinch a handful of belly blubber - you don't "pinch" actually, your hands are full and overflowing - and you say to yourself, "never again".

The fad diets...

The binge sessions...

The living in denial...

The not so friendly friends...

Success has so many strange bedfellows, but fat suffers from separation anxiety.

Three months down the line and as many dress sizes down and still shrinking, you are happier and healthier... the clothes fit better.

Your friend bumps into you after a long while of deliberate avoidance (on your part).

"Hah! Seems like you lost a looooooot of weight o".

She "hahs" some more when you tell her exactly how much you have shed in the past ninety days and then just as expected, she goes: "But I trust you, you do not have willpower. You will soon fall off the wagon and start eating everything in sight".

Expected, but it still stings anyway.

She of all people, should have understood. You turn and walk a few steps away from her, then turn back and watch as she waddles away.

Fat is a miserable loner. And when it feels kindred spirits drift away, it suffers from terrible, debilitating, separation anxiety.

You wait a few hours and just before you go to bed, you place a call across to her.

"Hi babe, would you like me to send across the meal and exercise plan I used to shed the weight? I miss our friendship and if you like, we can do this together".

The silence from the other end lingers for just one nano second too long and then if you had blinked, you would have missed the whispered, teary response:

"Yes. Yes please".

Something fishy...

Erm, weight loss things.

Don't know where to file this under so I gues I would just go with "those things you think would tast really yucky until you eat them and discover they are somehow "yum".

Fish (doesn't have to look as sexy as mine)
Pepper (about 2 medium sized balls)
Onion (One medium bulb)
Salt (about 1/8th of a teaspoon)
Cabbage
Beetroot.

Blend your pepper (as much as you can stand really), and onion together, mix in a little bowl with the salt.

With a sharp knife - who am I kidding, even a blunt knife will do the job - make two or three horizontal cuts across the fish on both sides. Just score the fish until knife almost meets bone on both sides.

Rub in your pepper, onion and salt paste, ensure the fish is well coated with it, stuff in the cuts you scored on the fish, stuff the gills, then rub any left over mix all over the fish.

Place in a pot on the fire on very low heat, rinse out your pepper plate with about a quarter cup of water and pour into the fish. Cover and allow to simmer on one side for five minutes, then flip over to the other side and simmer for another five minutes.

(We are Nigerians, we cook our fish to "done". In normal English, that means we cook it to stupor and until the fish shouts out for help).

Okay, ten minutes cooking time altogether, the fish should be well cooked through, take the pot off the heat and set aside. What were you doing during the ten minutes cooking time? You were keeping up with the Kardashians?

Tsk, tsk...

This is what you ought to have been doing: grating or thinly shredding your cabbage and beetroot.

Arrange the shredded vegetables on a plate and place your fish on it.

Voila...

See, you didn't need too many eengrejens and it still came out tasting fab. Na so. Diet food does not have to taste like cardboard paper to be effective.

Okay o, tuck in and enjoy!

Bon apetit!