"Welcome to dressmaking 101. Today, I hope to teach you the rudiments of being a dress maker par excellence, catering to the stars and wannabes! Producing copies from the pages of local and international magazines and generally dressing the fashionable and clueless alike. By the time we are through with this class, you would have properly grasped what it takes to play in the most fluid and unregulated sector of the Nigerian market and any altruistic customer centric notions you signed up with would have been properly realigned."
"Thank you very much sir. Sir, I came with my measuring tape and thimble and..."
"Measuring tape ke? Who asked you? See, forget all those things you heard outside and those impressions you came in with. This is the real deal here!"
"Now, first and foremost, the first time customer is your most important customer. No matter who is wedding tomorrow. No matter who needs the aso-ebi for their great grand mother's second burial in the next two days. Forget about that charlatan whose clothes you have been stalling over producing for the past four months and have been promising "tomorrow, tomorrow", at first glance of a likely maga to join their fold, do all in your power to suade the prospect into your lair. As soon as he comes in, begin to pull out catalogues and samples. Show him that cloth you just bought from a boutique, intending to take apart and study the style. Fish out that sample tbe lady who came looking for you last week with two mobile policemen in tow had brought in for you to replicate..."
Scribbling furiously,"Yes sa!"
"Tell him those were your creations!"
"Interesting Sir"
"Be ni! Show her a picture of Rita Dominic in the latest Encomium or Fashion and Style, lower your voice so that your enemies of progress do not hear the secret you are about to divulge, and let him know that you made the style! Yes ke! Who wan try international tailor like you! You usually take orders from as far away as Alaska. You have not been to London yet, but all the ankara that is worn on the streets of London was made either by you or one of your proteges!"
"Ha Sir, but is that really the truth?"
"Cammon, shat up ya maut dia. " Mimicking her, "Ish dat lilly the truth? Eejit! The truth does not really matter in this our business. Our stock in trade is half truths and whole lies! The blatanter the better! Ish dat lilly... see her mouth. Are you a learner?"
"Sorry Sir"
"Sorry for yaself! See, the trick is to lure them in, unsuspectingly. Play up to their egos and pamper their desire to be identified with the rave of the moment, albeit through the pages of the fashion magazines. Like the spider, spin your web cunningly around your fly. "Come into my parlor..." all you need from them is to take that first step and hand over the material to you. Chikena!"
"I see!"
"Yes o, treat that first time customer like a queen. Pull out all the stops, ensure you tailor the dress to her precise measurements. Produce a replica of the catalogue design that far outstrips the original in visual stimulation, add an extra flair that would make her stand out and be the centre of attraction at the proposed event. Finish her cloth two whole weeks to deadline, call her cellphone and offer to deliver the design to her home, office or place of business. Deliver the clothes with your tape rule hanging around your neck, a pencil tucked behind your ear and a piece of blank paper sticking out of your back pocket. Also arrive with one or two catalogues in case she turns diva on you and decides to change the style and ensure that every little scrap of remnant material must be lovingly folded and humbly returned. Be ready and willing to retake measurements, take apart a perfect outfit and redesign it at a moment's notice. No demand is too much or request too minute for a first timer."
"But sir, why the emphasis on first timers?"
"Because, they do not know you very well yet and will eagerly spread the news about this "different" tailor they just "discovered" to all their friends and associates. Have you ever seen a tailor engaged in marketing? Walking around showing off his designs to people. No! Our first timers spread the news for us. See, our industry runs a revolving door model. As disgruntled customers troop out, eager magas troop in but anyhow wey e be, man must cover nakedness so therefore, tailor must toh continue to dey shew cloth."
"Exciting analyses Sir. But what happens when a customer returns a second time?"
"Ah mah dia, that is where your real skills as a job man begin to show. If she returns alone, render the same service as you did before, but no need to trip over yourself rendering excellent service. Any slight lapses will be magnanimously forgiven since the memories of your initial coup are still fresh. If he returns with a friend, don't fawn over the prospective maga. In fact, ignore the friend and reel in your returnee with another superb service. That will ensure a third visit and guarantee you a new maga in their friend."
"Truly? Hah sir, I am learning a lot today o. I never knew that..."
"Shet up u! Huhn. See her. I am revealing the secrets of the masters to you, so just be quiet, listen and learn! Now, if the customer returns a third time you have a confirmed maga and now is the time to show them where the stool of ughu akpolokpolo the first and second is stored".
"Hah!"
"Yes o! As soon as you take her measurement and she leaves your shop, you have two options: the first, which is a considerable waste of time in my candid opinion, is to actually shape the cloth to meaurement and design, tie the pieces together with any old scrap of cloth and then throw the whole thing into the graveyard of abandoned materials behind you. Serious waste of time, but it at least guarantees you that the customer cannot take that material back or take it to another tailor. We know ourselves for this line na and no tailor worth his onions will dare to collect pieces material already cut by a "fashion designer". So, anywhere your customer like make e rake go, e no get choice but to sew the cloth finish for your hand!"
"Yea Sir. Na sooooo? The second option nko"?
"The second optionis to throw the uncut material into afore mentioned graveyard and await the angry arrival of the customer with afore mentioned policemen three months after you have missed deadline and the customer has had to attend the occassion for which the outfit was planned in jeans and tee shirt or off color aso-ebi! Only apply this second rule if the customer reduced your expectations by a few naira, did not offer you soft drinks when you went to deliver the cloth, left you standing with the mai guard while her housemaid went back and forth with the dresses or did not refer a new maga to you. These categories of customers are evil and need to be taught a stern lesson on how to handle fragile and fluid professionals like us!"
"Hmmmmmm...."
"Now for those you decide to benevolently sew the clothes for, carefully note the following:
1: Always wait three weeks after deadline to sew the clothes. Some of these customers think they are wise and in trying to outsmart us, will give us a deadline that is two weeks BEFORE when they actually need the cloth. Cunny man die, cunny man bury am!
2: When you finally decide to sew the cloth, never under any condition whatsoever, use the agreed design or measurements. Sew any one wey enter ya church mind! Use lepa meaurement sew cloth for orobo and vice versa. When the customer complains tell them: Ah Oga, e be like say you add (lose) weight o! This tactic further assists us checkmate those oversabbe people that will haggle price with us, or give a deadline that is almost two months ahead of when they need the cloth. Who no wise?
3: Hand over the most expensive materials to your apprentices to sew while you relax with one leg on top of your sewing machine and a bottle of agbo jedi in your hand, a toothpick fishing out the debris of the abula meal you just ate from your rotting molars, while you debate the private antics of your favorite Africa Magic Yoruba stars. Don't worry about them spoiling the cloth. They inevitably will! When that happens, just make yourself scarce when the customer comes to pick her cloth
4: Stop picking calls from customers whose materials have spent over a fortnight in your shop. Na wetin dey worry them self wey dem dey call you everyday like say you be their first born. That aunty that you have held her clothes for over 6 months no longer disturbs you with phone call how much less them? Nigerians are generally an impatient lot and part of our job specifications is to teach them the virtues of patience. Shior!
5: Always collect advance from the customer for the purchase of "sekwence" (sequins), "landing" (lining), "korstay" (gumstay), and whatever else comes readily to mind. Soon as the customer leaves your shop, use the money to buy abula with roundabout, amala and agbo jedi. Man must wack! When next the shameless customer comes to harrass you over collecting advance and not sewing your cloth, explain to her that the advance was not enough. Collect more money from her and apply the funds to the same noble cause you applied the initial one. Nothing me ga!
6: Only ever begin to sew the cloth when the customer has visited your shop once or twice and shouted, returned once in the company of her friends and threatened to seize your machine head, and makes a repeat visit with armed MOPOLS. Only when you sight the MOPOL are you permitted to turn out a perfect dress in record time. Wicked people that can call MOPOL for you are capable of evil. Evil People! Fire burn satan!
7: When disturbance from impatient and evil customers, spurred on by the enemies of progress that surround your shop gets too much, change location! Find another shop! If you get christian mind, leave their material with the new owner of the shop. If not, relocate with it. By the time they work out your new address, they go don loyal or humble or else, they will arrive with MOPOL. As usual, when you see MOPOL, be wise! Do not argue, do not quarrel. Immediately stand up from your post-abula stupor and turn out an exquisite design in record time with perfect recall of material, measurement and specifications. Magnanimously refuse to be paid for the service, but only if you see MOPOL.
Don't entertain the fear that your customer will leave you and go to all those shakara fashion designers, some of whom even have university degrees. Na the same blood dey for every tailor vein. In fact, when they have paid tens of thousands upon which their cloth no show, they will happily return to you, at least for your side, they can be assured that you can never charge them too much!
P.S: There are two categories of customers the above rules should never apply to: Those who live in or around barracks or look suspiciously like wives of uniformed men, and those who live in houses guarded by MOPOLS or soldiers. Always treat them like first timers even if they are visiting your shop for the 50th time or else avoid them like a plague".
"Ehehn? Why Sir?"
"Why? Because!"
"Because what Sir?"
"Just because mah friend? Are you kweshioning me? Don't you know that...." Ducks under table at the sound of approaching footsteps and irate voices, frantically motioning apprentice to feign ignorance of his whereabouts.
