Wednesday 23 December 2015

Take Seven for the Fat Girls...

Sometimes being fat is fun... until you have to find clothes that fit.
Sometimes, being fat is not so fun and most of that comes from biting down hard on your tongue to stop the obvious retorts to some gaffes you hear from the socially disadvantaged bunch.
Take Seven completely clueless comments NOT to make to the fat girl, and what but for the grace of God (and our teeths chomping down on our tongues), your ears would be ringing with.
Take 1  You are fat!
You reckon? I can swear I was a size zero when I left home today. You mean I am fat now? For real? Chai, diaristgotuo!
Take 2  You shouldn't be eating that.
 Why? What is the problem? Is it poisonous? Am I going to die if I eat it? Or perhaps just this one thing stands between me and an extra 10 pounds? Would you rather be eating it? Because if you ask me, you should be getting some fat between your skin and bones.
Take 3  Are you planning to eat again?
 Errrrrm, no. I just want to worship this plate of food right here in front of me and let it know how its presence is contributing to world peace in these troubled times.
Take 4  You should take this tea or take up that exercise?
 Really? You should get a brain!
Take 5  That was how this friend of mine lost one million kg.
 Good on her. That was how this other friend of mine learnt to mind her own business. One day like that, she "chooked" her mouth in a matter that did not concern her and the original owner of the matter rearranged her face.
Take 6  You'd be so much prettier if you were slimmer.
 Funny you should say that, I was just about to observe that you'd be considered more intelligent if you kept your unsolicited opinions to yourself more often.
Take 7  It takes a lot of determination and will power to lose weight.
 You don't say? For real? Any available stats on how much determination and will power it takes to receive sense? Gerrarahia.
Seriously folks, if your opinion was not solicited and the fat is not about to suffocate you; If your food is not missing and you do not suspect the fat person in front of you is about to eat you up, please keep the fat shaming opinions to yourself.
You might never understand the struggle, which is real by the way. Or perhaps, you might just be an extremely clueless and tactless someborri.
In which case *in Pastor Chris Oyakhilome's voice* "Here is some sense. Take it, take it.... rrrrrrrrrrreceive it!"

#LetsBlameJonathan

See, I am not just playing a #LetsBlameJonathan like Alhaji Lai Lai Mohammed, this is a serious sontin for me. I need to take pictures of my food while cooking it, because this is what this generation is all about. Who knows if a potential husband material is out there watching my Facebook timeline? How will he know that I am a full six yards (sometimes less one quarter yard) of wife material, if I cannot put up step by step pictures of myself cooking aesthetically perfect (but gastronomically disastrous) dishes?

Ees eet gud laik dat?

http://www.sabinews.com/30161-2/

Tuesday 22 December 2015

Crying Relief With Onions

I don't like onions.
And the simple reason for that is that they are just about the only food I prefer to eat while in it's raw state.
Once I find a piece of cooked onion (whether glazed, fried, caramelized, in stew or soup), I go completely off the food and it takes a lot to get me to keep whatever portion I have eaten down.
Okay, over time and with the impracticality of finding onionless food in restaurants and other people's houses, I had to find a way to adjust. What came easy to me then, was picking out the onions from the food and piling it on one side of the plate.
Jollof rice, soup, beans porridge, yam pottage, moin moin... wherever the onions hid itself, I would find it and i would pick it out.
So, how do I manage at home?
Ta daaaaa...


I blend my onions in bulk. Buy the lot, peel the lot and blend the lot!

Don't you just want to tuck in? Looks like ice cream, yeah?


Advantages:
1. You only get to cry while peeling and slicing onions, just once. Subsequently, it is a crying relief to cook straightaway without needing a handkerchief.
2. No onion strings.
3. A smoother onion flavour.
4. Always readily available, just pop out of the freezer and into the pot (or dish).
5. You can store the way you need. So for instance you can store in cupfuls for your stocks, soups, stews and heavy duty cooking - read jollof, porridge, etc; or you can store in tablespoonfuls for your one-mouth dishes, omelettes, seasonings, etc...
Like here...


Stores in ice cube bags (ice cube trays work as fine too but I pass because they don't cover and the smells tend to mix up).
So, nice way to store your onions if you ask me. Also helps to work around that pesky situation of onions rotting in the rainy season.

PS: If you are my friend, please always preserve onions this way. That way, you wouldn't have a whole load of picked out onion string to irritate the heck out of you whenever you have me over for a meal.


Please?
Tenkiu'.

Facing Down Nigeria's Ghosts - Enuma Okoro




OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
Facing Down Nigeria’s Ghosts


CHRISTINA HAGERFORS
By ENUMA OKORO
DECEMBER 20, 2015
ABUJA, Nigeria — Before my grandmother died in 2010, she gave each of her 17 grandchildren a crisp one-pound note. It was an unceremonious gift, without lectures or reminiscing. She opened my hands and firmly pressed the bill into my palm. “You must keep this,” she said, before following up in Igbo: “Inugo?” Do you hear me? “Yes, Grandma,” I responded. “Thank you.”

Later, in another room, I looked at the note more closely. The bill was beautiful, with its antiquated font and soft, mint-green coloring with brown highlights.

One side had a palm tree standing tall in the center, bordered by intricate calligraphy. Across the top were the words “Republic of Biafra.”

To my grandmother, it was an invaluable offering, worth more than her thick coral necklaces or her gold embroidered George fabrics.

She wanted her grandchildren to have a piece of Biafra, the short-lived country that she and millions of others from our Igbo ethnic group had attempted to create as a refuge from the newly independent country of Nigeria, setting off the civil war of 1967-70, also known as the Biafran war.

Since relocating to Nigeria 16 months ago, I am learning anew just how complex is the history of my country. Nigeria has never really had a single national identity. Ethnic tensions existed ever since 1914, when British colonizers amalgamated more than 250 ethnic and linguistic groups into a new country.

But in the years after Nigeria declared independence in 1960, the three main ethnic groups — the Hausa-Fulani in the north, who are mostly Muslim, and the Yoruba in the southwest and Igbos in the southeast, who mostly practice Christianity or traditional religions — jockeyed for power.

In 1966, the situation exploded when a coup and counter-coup led to ethnic violence. Over 30,000 Igbos were killed between July and September of that year. In May 1967, feeling unprotected by the Nigerian government and at risk of genocide, the Igbos of the southeast declared independence. A civil war ensued.

On Jan. 15, 1970, after two and a half years of brutal fighting in which more than one million Nigerians died, Biafra ceded to Nigeria. Overnight my grandmother and other Igbos who had survived the war became Nigerian again.

The previous years were painful for my grandmother, and the process of renegotiating her identity as a Nigerian was, too. The Biafran pounds that she kept stashed away for 40 years before passing them on to her grandchildren were emblematic of an important part of my grandmother’s identity as an Igbo.

Most Nigerians of my grandmother’s generation have kept their memories of that difficult period to themselves. In the decades since the civil war, there hasn’t been any public reckoning of the ruptures that led to it. There are no national memorials, except for the poorly funded and run-down National War Museum in Umuahia, a city in the former Republic of Biafra. Besides the all-inclusive Armed Forces Remembrance Day to honor soldiers who have fought for Nigeria in conflict and war, Nigeria holds no officially sanctioned days of remembrance to honor civilian casualties.

There have been no meaningful truth and reconciliation commissions. There is little in Nigerians’ collective memory to acknowledge that we once turned against one another and divided our country in two.

The memory of Biafra, like the memory of the brutality that brought the country into being and the conflict that followed, has become a ghost haunting our country’s pretenses of national unity. From the opinions written today in daily newspapers to the vitriolic comments made by traditional rulers from some ethnic groups, it is clear that many Nigerians still hold ethnic allegiances ahead of any unified nationalism.

Nigeria’s refusal to acknowledge the most divisive part of its history is why the same fears and rivalries that created the climate for the war still fester today. There is a very real risk of history repeating itself.

In October, the Department of State Security arrested Nnamdi Kanu, a pro-Biafran independence activist. He was charged with conspiracy and being part of an illegal organization for his work with Radio Biafra, an underground radio station. In the weeks after, protests sprung up around southeastern Nigeria calling for his release — and for the region to secede once again. What began as nonviolent demonstrations turned bloody on Dec. 3, when the Joint Military Task Force, made up of army, navy, police and civil defense troops, opened fire on hundreds of protesters in the city of Onitsha in the southeastern state of Anambra. Between nine and 13 people were killed. (The number is still unclear.) Soon after, news emerged that angry protesters had set the central mosque in Onitsha on fire in retaliation.

Political leaders from both the north and the south have made halfhearted attempts to address the concerns raised by the protests. The federal government, for its part, said that they were “economic.” Last week, Mr. Kanu was released on bail but the charges against him remain in place.

Though Nigerians’ views are mixed on the separatist cause and the protesters’ tactics, many see the current agitation as symptomatic of deeper national wounds, that if unattended to could have dangerous consequences for the whole country.

“The issue of Biafra is something we can never forget, neither our children nor our great-great-grandchildren after our time because it is part of history,” Chief Joseph Achuzia, a former Biafran leader, said recently. “The problem Nigeria is facing now is the inability to come to terms with the reality.” He’s right. What a nation permits itself to remember about its past creates the boundaries by which collective identity is established.

There will never be any hope of national unity if Nigeria cannot acknowledge the tragedy of Biafra and the civil war — and deal with the consequences. There needs to be public discussion around what it means to be Nigerian and what the government can do to lead the country in experiencing itself as one nation and one people.

Ethnic groups from the north and the south fought before independence in 1960. Before the first coup, during the civil war, and after, Igbos have felt the threat of economic, social and political marginalization. The new pro-Biafran protests are led by youth who have little memory of Biafra or the brutality and horror of the civil war. And yet fears of oppression under the current government remain.

During the March 2015 presidential elections, a majority of southeastern Nigeria voted for the political party of the incumbent president, Goodluck Jonathan. Many Igbos feared that Mr. Jonathan’s challenger, Muhammadu Buhari, a northern Muslim Fulani who led a military coup in 1983, would act on a latent hatred for Igbos, despite his promises to rebuild the country’s “broken walls”...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/21/opinion/facing-down-nigerias-ghosts.html



Sunday 20 December 2015

Take Seven for Christmas...

If you are a child of the late 70s and early 80s, then like me you are most probably holding yourself from spiralling into depression as Christmas approaches.
What is this season?
Is this how to "do Christmas"?
You were not "inform"?
Biko, #BringBackOurChristmas o.
Somehow, Christmas doesn't quite seem like Christmas these days and no, it is not because we are now adults and the ones who have to sit with glasses perched on the tips of our noses while we "add and subtract" on a Casio calculator.
Because, "after the Christmas comes school fees o, school fees... school fees...".
It must be way more than that. Anyway, don't know about you, but here are seven things I miss the most about Christmas past:
1. Christmas Carolling: No, not these fanciful ones where you go and sit in a fancy church and have a fancy band and fancy musicians and comedians entertain you over fancy refreshments, this was the real koko.
You and a band of friends would spend a few days (or weeks if you have too much power), putting together a Christmas "choir"; troll the streets from house to house, belting out mismatched tunes at the top of your croaky voices; then hang around until the homeowner comes out with a few nairas for coca cola.
Those were the days.
2. Christmas cloth: If you don't get to "sew Christmas cloth", then you don't know what you are missing.
Your parents would find 20 yards of the same Ankara or brocade material, and the entire family would march off to the tailor's at least two full moons ahead of the 25th of December.
Come Christmas morning, the entire family with well pomaded hair and faces would march off to church, looking like a pair of cut out paper men holding paper hands.
3. Christmas chop: See, it was not about the jollof rice and goat meat, it was about starting your Christmas cooking at least one week ahead with the snacks and pastries; then starting the jollof the night before, and completing the cooking around 4 am on Christmas morning.
Then, irrespective of your ajebo status, getting a tray of different Christmas chop loaded on your head and trudging from house to house to deliver to your family friends.
My mum held pride of place as the first to finish with cooking and have her steaming Christmas chop in her friends' houses before the cock crowed.
4. Christmas goat: You know, this should be number three.
The careful selection of the goat a few days before christmas.
The tethering of the goat at the front of your house (your neighbours must observe and acknowledge say you no dey joke).
The fattening of the goat for a few days.
The slaughter on Christmas eve after night mass.
The singeing off of the fur.
The cutting up of the bits.
Pepper soup with the intestines.
Fried and stewed goat meat
Jollof rice and goat meat.
Omo forget o, goat meat is the king of meats!
5. Christmas "yawo": Again this is one Christmas activity that does not care about your ajebo status.
From morning till night, you are permitted to trek the entirety of the country (or until you run out of breath), going from home to home, parking yourself uninvited on any spare chair you find and waiting for number 6.
6. Christmas dash: Also known as "brother gbaarum christmas".
When you get to each and every one of your destinations as seen in number 5 above, first comes the Christmas chopsin: rice, chicken, goat meat, salad, chinchin and "minerals" (soft drinks to the uninitiated).
Then when you are done eating and drinking, this is also the one and only time of the year you are permitted to shamelessly beg for alms.
"Uncle/aunty/brother/sister gbaarum christmas", and out would come the shiny naira notes.
This is one of the few seasons in Nigeria when you buy naira with naira in order to appease gullible terrorists disguised as children. We were so "wise" then, that we preferred four shiny N5 notes to one shiny N50 notes.
We could count one to four.
And we knew that four is greater than one.
We were rich o, but only at Christmas.
7. Christmas breath: if you woke up on boxing day anything less than constipated, then you obviously did not have a good Christmas.
You are a learner.
The trick was to eat so much of a combination of all sorts from so many different homes, that your parents would spend a mini fortune on Andrew's liver salts and laxatives the next day to clear your stomach. They would also spend the equivalent of your proposed inheritance on air freshners to clear  the stench of  your rotten breath from the house.
And your local chemist can still make it to the village before the New Year in time to pick a wife from the left overs.
The ones the "innit" boys from "the abroading" did not pick.
What are your Christmas experiences like? Then and now, which do you prefer? Let's hear your stories.

What's holding you back?

There are very many factors that could determine your life status and progress and achievements along life's journeys, and top of the list are your village people.
You keep getting fired from every job you hold, it has to be your step mother or that poor defenceless old woman whom society has pushed to the little hut just on the edge of your village.
You can't seem to catch a break, every opportunity is filled just before you have a chance to grab it - your grandmother is a witch, she inherited it from her own grandmother who inherited from her own grandmother (ad nauseum).
You fall in and out of relationships like a carelessly tossed rubber ball, there is this old woman in your village who is so powerful that just by projecting evil thoughts, she can cause random person A (that is YOU), whom she perhaps has never met in her entire miserable life, to keep losing love interests over and over again.
Or so your shaman says.
Interestingly, these old women are never powerful enough to attract the elixir of eternal youth, the fountain of wealth and the assurances of a good existence for themselves and their probably as wretched families. Society needs a sin eater and who else do we blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives than the most obvious, most defenceless suspects.
After all, Nigeria has a white witches association and they meet in Benin - typical!
So, when you find yourself falling out of the umpteenth job or missing the quadrillionth opportunity or reeling out the gazillionth hard luck story, please do not sit yourself down to a private meeting of two (you and your conscience), and take a brisk walk back through the common denominator in all the misfortunes and missed opportunities you might have had - blame your village witches. Perhaps your personal attitude and work ethics have got absolutely nothing to do with why you are where you are.
Like time for instance: what relationship do you have with time? Do you give it as much respect as it deserves or do you treat it as a mere suggestion?
"Let's meet at 9 am", do you interpret that as - "try to be here at least five minutes before the appointed time" or "you know, you can start brushing your teeth at 9 am. Then send me an sms 15 minutes after and then in 30 minutes installments thereafter blaming everything but the culprit - you".
Time, and your relationship with it, can make or mar you.
What about your word? What does it mean when you say you are going to do something?
Is your word something you just spit out casually? Have you developed and honed flippancy to a fine art and dispense generously whenever you feel the need to "keep a conversation going", or is your word your bond?
Pretty soon, people are going to honestly avoid you when they notice that your words have no weight and absolutely no meaning whatsoever. They would rather see an honest attempt to stick to your words however inconveniencing, than rigmarolling around what should to all intents and purposes, be a verbal contract to deliver.
And then attitude - divas are supa, but a team player is best!
I remember someone once asking me in a management training, at what point his own goals should begin to supersede company goals...
"Goals like what"?
"Growth".
"Alongside or outside the company's career path plan"?
"Huh"?
In simple English, check in your "personal goals" at the door. This is a tricky one and I would try to elaborate a bit further.
IF your personal goals are at variance with the company goals, check them in at the door. Your goal is to help the company achieve its goals and beyond. Anything that threatens to derail the corporate goals could be termed a "conflict of interest".
Ambition is good, but how ambitious should you be within a corporate entity? How do you strive to achieve that ambition? Your personal gains and growth should come as a consequence of helping the company achieve its corporate gains and growths and not seek to annihilate everything on your way to personal glory.
So that means you work with a team - not against the team.
It also means you work within the company policy - not at variances with it.
For sure it means you can bend the rules and stretch them as far as they can go, provided you have the results that would prove you right in taking those liberties - don't break the rules.
Most importantly, if you feel the need to take over the position of a CEO, if you find it difficult to be subordinated to, if you are unable to work with a team - then it is time to "move your ministry to the permanent site" - resign and run your own show.
2015 is on its way out and in a few days, we would be ushering in a brand new year. Take a few honest minutes to introspect on what has worked for you over the years and why. If you have also been consistently failing (or failing to meet your goals), then you more than anyone else, owe yourself an honest introspection.
What habits do you need to retain going into the new year and why? Which ones would you need to drop and why? Any habits that need tweaking? Any skills that need polishing?
YOU are the common denominator in all your life's experiences and situations. You just need to be honest enough to realise that first.
And perhaps top on your New Year resolution list, should be giving your village "witches" a break.
Believe it or not, if they had all those supernatural abilities you ascribe to them, they would rather concentrate on finding ways to get Otedola or Dangote to write a will and leave them a huge chunk of their estates; than winching a sorry ass, broke ass churchrat who is not even co-ordinated enough to keep one messenger job in one decrepit organisation or the other.
No be yab, but even village "witches" suppose get ambition.
PS: How come most of the village witches whose flights crashland into high tension electric poles in and around a certain region in Nigeria are women? You mean after the housework and hustling to feed the home and having to put out for oga whether they are in the mood or not, they tumble into bed exhausted at night and instead of sleeping, take off on their brooms for some sort of meeting or the other? For real? Where are the men? No dulling biko. This is an industry you also need to come and dominate please.