Truly, I do not want to say what (or who) the Tethering post is for, maybe if I am properly petted, I will eventually speak.
Here we are in a gathering, different people from different countries, wonderful personalities, all trying to make conversation, get to know each other, make new friends. Suddenly, off to the right, a cacophony of vernacular from a few who are delighted to be different from the pack and cannot wait to show it. Every other person gazes around them in bewilderment, stares pointedly at the source of the noise, yet there is no deterring them. No bad belle person will drop enough hints to make them desist from "brothering" and "sistering" in a congregation where English is meant to be a unifying language.
Buffet time, while everyone is milling around making polite conversation, waiting for the servers to make ready, all the while inching closer to the food. Suddenly, from the rear of the line: "You guys should move now, do you want the food to get cold"? "Please you can move that conversation to one side if you are not hungry and let those of us that are hungry eat now, haba"! While still trying to digest what could be the major source of irritation, the body behind the voice proceeds to jump the queue in the most blatant and rude manner ever witnessed and now at the head of the queue, manifests one of two extremes: suddenly pretends to be on a diet and proceeds to diss every food on the table for being "fattening" or "cholesterol laden" yet is not stopped from packing a heaping plate; or just goes straight ahead to pack a heaping plate, putting together all sorts of odd combinations, maybe even managing to get two heaping platefuls of all sorts (meat overflowing), before stalking off to their seats.
Seated, glances furtively around, whips out a "polythene leather" (Sincerely, I can't stop wondering why those bags are called "leather bags". Do Nigerians actually know what leather is?), stuffs most of the meat and as much of the rice and salad as can get into the cellophane bag, ties the bag closed, reinforces with another bag and stuffs the whole lot into the over sized handbag (Okay guys, now you know why ladies convert travelling bags to handbags when going to parties and occasions , then the most baffling part of the entire operation, proceeds to daintily pick at the remnants on the plate like there is a bad smell hovering over everything while still furtively glancing at the buffet table to see whether any more meat can be scavenged therefrom.
Drinks are served, while everyone else proceeds to take one glass which they try to maneuver and manipulate to last the night, these blessed people proceed to down drink after drink, mixing all sorts, if it is available, even if they have never tasted it before, they will down it and add to the bubbling lava of various cocktails and spirits already squirming in the deepest caverns of their belly.
True Story - Coming back from Summer vacation 2011, we boarded BA to Abuja and after dinner, proceeded to bed down for the night. Lights off, the cabin was quiet when suddenly from the last but one row, someone started shrieking, "I am dying o, I am dying. Stop this flight. Call a doctor. I am dying. Jeeeeeeezus! Pilot, please somebody help me, I can't breathe". Naturally, there was pandemonium all around as we tried to find out what the problem was. A cabin attendant rushed down to the seat where a lady was visibly agitated, her baby dumped carelessly on the seat beside her, while she proceeded to "die"!
Well, soon as the poor cabin attendant got close enough to put her head down and inquire what was causing the "death", the jackass threw up all over the poor lady, all the junk she had been eating while awaiting the call of her flight, her dinner in flight and about 12 bottles of aircraft wine! Seriously! Turns out madam is a teetotaler, but had been informed that the cost of the wine was already inbuilt into the price of her ticket and decided to show the world that she was smarter than Willie Walsh! She had wanted to drink the cost of her flight before reaching Abuja. Suffice it to say, after that regurgitation she spent the rest of the flight in a drunken quasi coma, her snores prevented anyone else from sleeping, her baby had thankfully bedded down for the night, else... SMH!
I felt so embarrassed for the shameless woman whom upon struggling out of her coma on arrival in Abuja, grabbed her baby and proceeded, in true Nigerian fashion, to fight her way out of the aircraft as if the plane would take anybody who did not disembark at record speed straight back to Heathrow, and into the waiting arms of the law! I walked up to the flight attendant who had spent the rest of the flight in a baggy, blue, dungareeish, formless gown and apologised on behalf of the lady. While making small talk, the attendant mentioned that they get used to situations like this on their return haul to Nigeria.
While I cringed inwards at her comment, I truly could not grudge her that sentiment as I have had my fair share of bewilderment on why we are so blessed, every time I travel outwards and then return inwards with Nigerians. You get the feeling travelling from Nigeria to London that everybody is afraid that Queen Elizabeth could just materialise beside them and chain them to a bus stop for daring to sneeze, everybody acts so civilised you are indeed proud to be a Nigerian. Return haul however, na we get the land and the aircraft, so na wetin we like we go dey do!
Now, a school in Abuja, pretty elitist, tired of calling Nigerian parents to order decide, "to heck with it, you can act uncouth all you want outside the school premises", and shifts their car park about a 200m walk away from the school gates. This was after multiple incidents of parents jumping the drop off queue, forcing their way through the gates with cars not bearing the school stickers, insulting and threatening to beat up the security men at the slightest provocation, shouting on teachers (please don't ask me the guilty party, shame dey catch me abeg),etc. Well, in the new car park, like sheep that need to be carefully herded, there is an entrance that is wide enough to just about admit one car, and an exit with similar specifications. Guess which category of parents would notice a queue at the entrance, force their way through the exit and proceed to create a scene by asking others to back up for them to maneuver. I begin to get the vibes that but for the fact that this school is on Nigerian soil, they would have long closed shop to Nigerian parents.
Small wonder that Nigerians get attacked when they find themselves on foreign soil. They take all that loudness, rudeness and in your face attitude to climates where people are used to more civilized behavior and then turn around and claim: "South Africans are jealous of us"!, "Ghanaians are jealous of us"! "Jamaicans don't like us in London"!. "American police is always on our case"! Seems like everybody is jealous of the Nigerian who is so myopic, he doesn't even notice that what repels others are their obnoxious, loud and rude behavior
I am always amazed at the huge sums of money Nigerian scammers manage to fleece off the western world. In most circumstances, those they fleece look ordinary there is nothing ostentatious about them, no show offiness. Simple clothes, even simpler homes, decent looking. Yet when you hear about the hundreds and thousands they have "donated" to yahoo yahoo boys, you quiver.
Our people on the other hand, accumulate maybe a hundred dollars from flipping burgers and you want to wear the blindingest bling, hang with the ghettoest of babes, drive in cars you cannot afford to maintain and basically keep flinging and forcing yourself down people's throats. Small wonder the instant dislike when you bring out a Nigerian passport abroad.
Really Nigerians, I am proud to be a Nigerian, maybe even prouder than most, but I think we need to tone it down sometimes. Imbibe the basics of social living and etiquette and you will find you will begin to be liked by people you mingle with.
Those who act quiet and within the rules of acceptable social behaviour are not just "doing sme sme". They are trying to prove to the outside world that we are indeed civilised. They are trying their darndest best to convince the world not to tar all Nigerians with the same brush because of a few uncouth ones.
Really, I dare ask: hands up anybody that has not experienced a situation where they cringed inwardly and seriously wished that:
1.The floor could open up and swallow them
2: They were not Nigerians at that instant
Really, hands up, I would love to hear about it.
Just going off to get me a really sturdy tethering post and rope and tether all rambunctious, spendiferous fellow paddymen to it. Una too dey fall hand jare!
Friday 5 April 2013
Tuesday 2 April 2013
To Have and To Hold...
Okay, here I am, wondering aloud how all of a sudden, most of the blogs are peppered with advice on how to "hold your man", "keep your man happy", "keep your man from straying", etc...
The advice are so varied and sometimes self contradicting, your head spins trying to keep it all in proper perspective. It was purely coincidental that while I was roiling inside, I happened to stumble on a write up by an excellent writer that suggests women may as well buy themselves engagement rings and get it over with since by the (in my candid opinion, Nigerian) world's perspective... the ring maketh the woman (or maybe not).
Someone else, knowing my constant irritation with "How to attract your man" articles, suggests to me, "why don't you do a similar article for women?". Like, really? I am not going there o, abeg! Reason? I consider all those articles manipulative. Written by some sexist, masochistic, chauvinist somewhere with the sole aim of constantly manipulating women to get his own way. And you do know what they say about manipulation don't you? Oh, you don't? Well, for free: Manipulation is witchcraft!
Here's what I think:
Every relationship, especially when it crosses through to marriage, needs an equal dose of effort from both partners to keep the wheels well oiled and rolling.
It sounds a bit bigotist to expect one person to do all the running around, the primping and the pruning while the other stalks the manor like the Almighty Cockerel. Demanding meals on time, sex on demand, respect on rote, clothes washed without a peep, house tidy, children clean, books well kept, accounts balanced and the inevitable help meet duties (in Nigerian parlance, this means to return home with your salary and hand it over to Oga to be administered as he pleases). Yes, in spite of all the above, the wife/woman still has to work and most times, does not even have the luxury of spending any salaries earned.
I have seen men who bathe their kids while madam is in the kitchen, read stories to keep the kids entertained, sweep the house and wash clothes, take their turns in cooking for the women while they get a chance to put their feet up, shoo the women out the door to go have a night out with the girls while they try to run the home front... And no, there was no JAZZ involved... And yes, in Naija!
It is born of an innate desire to please. When I look at couples that are so relaxed in and of themselves, that are constantly happy, cheerful, have their moments but soon get over them and continue to ride the rollicking waves of relationships, I see people who have understood the (as far as I am concerned), first and basic principle of relationship: mutual respect and understanding.
It does not take much to understand that everyone has made a sacrifice to be with the other in a relationship or marriage. We have all left our familiar zones in order to be with someone that we somehow feel, will make us feel better in the long run. Someone we believe will give us ultimate and maximum satisfaction and with whom we can fulfill and achieve our dreams. Why then, should one of the two slave to make the other more comfortable and to compound their misery, read manipulative articles on "how to keep him happy"?
Fellas, L-O-V-E, Love! That should be the first and only reason for entering into a relationship. Not because she has a big behind, or is yellow skinned. Not because he works in an "oryel compani" or drives the latest cars. Tall, dark and handsome has nothing to do with relationships. Work with the first rule in mind. Can I tolerate this person? Do I really see myself being in close quarters with this individual and not going gaga? Can I overlook a multitude of what the world will see as flaws and still see stars when I look in his/her eyes? Really, it is a no-brainer, when you love someone, you want only the best for that person. No going around on hands and knees, scrubbing the ground you walk on. No worshiping your very presence or luxuriating in the lack of it because you have made yourself the king of the ring!
Go ahead, think of things that will make your partner happy and do it, just for the heck of it. Not because of what you expect to receive back in return.
What do you think would make whatever burden they are faced with lighter to bear? Go ahead and lighten that load. Doesn't matter if your friends walk in on you pounding yam or sweeping the house for your wife/babe! When it comes to relationship issues, wise family and friends know not to go there with "stewpeed" opinions and unsolicited advice.
How do you want your home to be? A safe haven? A comfort zone? Or a military training ground - a barracks? The power to achieve whichever atmosphere is conducive, lies in both hands.
The dog says - "If you fall for me and I fall for you... then it is play"
Last Words: Ladies, please grow a spine or a pair of balls, whichever you feel you are most desperately in need of. If you have to read so many dubious articles and play mind games to keep a man, then you are so obviously in the wrong relationship. He needs to want to be with you voluntarily and happily, else all you have succeeded in doing, is holding yourself captive to an inmate in a prison cell you both call "home".
If it is too much trouble to hold on to, open your hands and let it go - If it is yours, it will come back and if it doesn't come back, heck your hands are free for whatever that is worth!
The advice are so varied and sometimes self contradicting, your head spins trying to keep it all in proper perspective. It was purely coincidental that while I was roiling inside, I happened to stumble on a write up by an excellent writer that suggests women may as well buy themselves engagement rings and get it over with since by the (in my candid opinion, Nigerian) world's perspective... the ring maketh the woman (or maybe not).
Someone else, knowing my constant irritation with "How to attract your man" articles, suggests to me, "why don't you do a similar article for women?". Like, really? I am not going there o, abeg! Reason? I consider all those articles manipulative. Written by some sexist, masochistic, chauvinist somewhere with the sole aim of constantly manipulating women to get his own way. And you do know what they say about manipulation don't you? Oh, you don't? Well, for free: Manipulation is witchcraft!
Here's what I think:
Every relationship, especially when it crosses through to marriage, needs an equal dose of effort from both partners to keep the wheels well oiled and rolling.
It sounds a bit bigotist to expect one person to do all the running around, the primping and the pruning while the other stalks the manor like the Almighty Cockerel. Demanding meals on time, sex on demand, respect on rote, clothes washed without a peep, house tidy, children clean, books well kept, accounts balanced and the inevitable help meet duties (in Nigerian parlance, this means to return home with your salary and hand it over to Oga to be administered as he pleases). Yes, in spite of all the above, the wife/woman still has to work and most times, does not even have the luxury of spending any salaries earned.
I have seen men who bathe their kids while madam is in the kitchen, read stories to keep the kids entertained, sweep the house and wash clothes, take their turns in cooking for the women while they get a chance to put their feet up, shoo the women out the door to go have a night out with the girls while they try to run the home front... And no, there was no JAZZ involved... And yes, in Naija!
It is born of an innate desire to please. When I look at couples that are so relaxed in and of themselves, that are constantly happy, cheerful, have their moments but soon get over them and continue to ride the rollicking waves of relationships, I see people who have understood the (as far as I am concerned), first and basic principle of relationship: mutual respect and understanding.
It does not take much to understand that everyone has made a sacrifice to be with the other in a relationship or marriage. We have all left our familiar zones in order to be with someone that we somehow feel, will make us feel better in the long run. Someone we believe will give us ultimate and maximum satisfaction and with whom we can fulfill and achieve our dreams. Why then, should one of the two slave to make the other more comfortable and to compound their misery, read manipulative articles on "how to keep him happy"?
Fellas, L-O-V-E, Love! That should be the first and only reason for entering into a relationship. Not because she has a big behind, or is yellow skinned. Not because he works in an "oryel compani" or drives the latest cars. Tall, dark and handsome has nothing to do with relationships. Work with the first rule in mind. Can I tolerate this person? Do I really see myself being in close quarters with this individual and not going gaga? Can I overlook a multitude of what the world will see as flaws and still see stars when I look in his/her eyes? Really, it is a no-brainer, when you love someone, you want only the best for that person. No going around on hands and knees, scrubbing the ground you walk on. No worshiping your very presence or luxuriating in the lack of it because you have made yourself the king of the ring!
Go ahead, think of things that will make your partner happy and do it, just for the heck of it. Not because of what you expect to receive back in return.
What do you think would make whatever burden they are faced with lighter to bear? Go ahead and lighten that load. Doesn't matter if your friends walk in on you pounding yam or sweeping the house for your wife/babe! When it comes to relationship issues, wise family and friends know not to go there with "stewpeed" opinions and unsolicited advice.
How do you want your home to be? A safe haven? A comfort zone? Or a military training ground - a barracks? The power to achieve whichever atmosphere is conducive, lies in both hands.
The dog says - "If you fall for me and I fall for you... then it is play"
Last Words: Ladies, please grow a spine or a pair of balls, whichever you feel you are most desperately in need of. If you have to read so many dubious articles and play mind games to keep a man, then you are so obviously in the wrong relationship. He needs to want to be with you voluntarily and happily, else all you have succeeded in doing, is holding yourself captive to an inmate in a prison cell you both call "home".
If it is too much trouble to hold on to, open your hands and let it go - If it is yours, it will come back and if it doesn't come back, heck your hands are free for whatever that is worth!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)