Truly, I do not want to say what (or who) the Tethering post is for, maybe if I am properly petted, I will eventually speak.
Here we are in a gathering, different people from different countries, wonderful personalities, all trying to make conversation, get to know each other, make new friends. Suddenly, off to the right, a cacophony of vernacular from a few who are delighted to be different from the pack and cannot wait to show it. Every other person gazes around them in bewilderment, stares pointedly at the source of the noise, yet there is no deterring them. No bad belle person will drop enough hints to make them desist from "brothering" and "sistering" in a congregation where English is meant to be a unifying language.
Buffet time, while everyone is milling around making polite conversation, waiting for the servers to make ready, all the while inching closer to the food. Suddenly, from the rear of the line: "You guys should move now, do you want the food to get cold"? "Please you can move that conversation to one side if you are not hungry and let those of us that are hungry eat now, haba"! While still trying to digest what could be the major source of irritation, the body behind the voice proceeds to jump the queue in the most blatant and rude manner ever witnessed and now at the head of the queue, manifests one of two extremes: suddenly pretends to be on a diet and proceeds to diss every food on the table for being "fattening" or "cholesterol laden" yet is not stopped from packing a heaping plate; or just goes straight ahead to pack a heaping plate, putting together all sorts of odd combinations, maybe even managing to get two heaping platefuls of all sorts (meat overflowing), before stalking off to their seats.
Seated, glances furtively around, whips out a "polythene leather" (Sincerely, I can't stop wondering why those bags are called "leather bags". Do Nigerians actually know what leather is?), stuffs most of the meat and as much of the rice and salad as can get into the cellophane bag, ties the bag closed, reinforces with another bag and stuffs the whole lot into the over sized handbag (Okay guys, now you know why ladies convert travelling bags to handbags when going to parties and occasions , then the most baffling part of the entire operation, proceeds to daintily pick at the remnants on the plate like there is a bad smell hovering over everything while still furtively glancing at the buffet table to see whether any more meat can be scavenged therefrom.
Drinks are served, while everyone else proceeds to take one glass which they try to maneuver and manipulate to last the night, these blessed people proceed to down drink after drink, mixing all sorts, if it is available, even if they have never tasted it before, they will down it and add to the bubbling lava of various cocktails and spirits already squirming in the deepest caverns of their belly.
True Story - Coming back from Summer vacation 2011, we boarded BA to Abuja and after dinner, proceeded to bed down for the night. Lights off, the cabin was quiet when suddenly from the last but one row, someone started shrieking, "I am dying o, I am dying. Stop this flight. Call a doctor. I am dying. Jeeeeeeezus! Pilot, please somebody help me, I can't breathe". Naturally, there was pandemonium all around as we tried to find out what the problem was. A cabin attendant rushed down to the seat where a lady was visibly agitated, her baby dumped carelessly on the seat beside her, while she proceeded to "die"!
Well, soon as the poor cabin attendant got close enough to put her head down and inquire what was causing the "death", the jackass threw up all over the poor lady, all the junk she had been eating while awaiting the call of her flight, her dinner in flight and about 12 bottles of aircraft wine! Seriously! Turns out madam is a teetotaler, but had been informed that the cost of the wine was already inbuilt into the price of her ticket and decided to show the world that she was smarter than Willie Walsh! She had wanted to drink the cost of her flight before reaching Abuja. Suffice it to say, after that regurgitation she spent the rest of the flight in a drunken quasi coma, her snores prevented anyone else from sleeping, her baby had thankfully bedded down for the night, else... SMH!
I felt so embarrassed for the shameless woman whom upon struggling out of her coma on arrival in Abuja, grabbed her baby and proceeded, in true Nigerian fashion, to fight her way out of the aircraft as if the plane would take anybody who did not disembark at record speed straight back to Heathrow, and into the waiting arms of the law! I walked up to the flight attendant who had spent the rest of the flight in a baggy, blue, dungareeish, formless gown and apologised on behalf of the lady. While making small talk, the attendant mentioned that they get used to situations like this on their return haul to Nigeria.
While I cringed inwards at her comment, I truly could not grudge her that sentiment as I have had my fair share of bewilderment on why we are so blessed, every time I travel outwards and then return inwards with Nigerians. You get the feeling travelling from Nigeria to London that everybody is afraid that Queen Elizabeth could just materialise beside them and chain them to a bus stop for daring to sneeze, everybody acts so civilised you are indeed proud to be a Nigerian. Return haul however, na we get the land and the aircraft, so na wetin we like we go dey do!
Now, a school in Abuja, pretty elitist, tired of calling Nigerian parents to order decide, "to heck with it, you can act uncouth all you want outside the school premises", and shifts their car park about a 200m walk away from the school gates. This was after multiple incidents of parents jumping the drop off queue, forcing their way through the gates with cars not bearing the school stickers, insulting and threatening to beat up the security men at the slightest provocation, shouting on teachers (please don't ask me the guilty party, shame dey catch me abeg),etc. Well, in the new car park, like sheep that need to be carefully herded, there is an entrance that is wide enough to just about admit one car, and an exit with similar specifications. Guess which category of parents would notice a queue at the entrance, force their way through the exit and proceed to create a scene by asking others to back up for them to maneuver. I begin to get the vibes that but for the fact that this school is on Nigerian soil, they would have long closed shop to Nigerian parents.
Small wonder that Nigerians get attacked when they find themselves on foreign soil. They take all that loudness, rudeness and in your face attitude to climates where people are used to more civilized behavior and then turn around and claim: "South Africans are jealous of us"!, "Ghanaians are jealous of us"! "Jamaicans don't like us in London"!. "American police is always on our case"! Seems like everybody is jealous of the Nigerian who is so myopic, he doesn't even notice that what repels others are their obnoxious, loud and rude behavior
I am always amazed at the huge sums of money Nigerian scammers manage to fleece off the western world. In most circumstances, those they fleece look ordinary there is nothing ostentatious about them, no show offiness. Simple clothes, even simpler homes, decent looking. Yet when you hear about the hundreds and thousands they have "donated" to yahoo yahoo boys, you quiver.
Our people on the other hand, accumulate maybe a hundred dollars from flipping burgers and you want to wear the blindingest bling, hang with the ghettoest of babes, drive in cars you cannot afford to maintain and basically keep flinging and forcing yourself down people's throats. Small wonder the instant dislike when you bring out a Nigerian passport abroad.
Really Nigerians, I am proud to be a Nigerian, maybe even prouder than most, but I think we need to tone it down sometimes. Imbibe the basics of social living and etiquette and you will find you will begin to be liked by people you mingle with.
Those who act quiet and within the rules of acceptable social behaviour are not just "doing sme sme". They are trying to prove to the outside world that we are indeed civilised. They are trying their darndest best to convince the world not to tar all Nigerians with the same brush because of a few uncouth ones.
Really, I dare ask: hands up anybody that has not experienced a situation where they cringed inwardly and seriously wished that:
1.The floor could open up and swallow them
2: They were not Nigerians at that instant
Really, hands up, I would love to hear about it.
Just going off to get me a really sturdy tethering post and rope and tether all rambunctious, spendiferous fellow paddymen to it. Una too dey fall hand jare!
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