To Have and To Hold...

Okay, here I am, wondering aloud how all of a sudden, most of the blogs are peppered with advice on how to "hold your man", "keep your man happy", "keep your man from straying", etc...

The advice are so varied and sometimes self contradicting, your head spins trying to keep it all in proper perspective. It was purely coincidental that while I was roiling inside, I happened to stumble on a write up by an excellent writer that suggests women may as well buy themselves engagement rings and get it over with since by the (in my candid opinion, Nigerian) world's perspective... the ring maketh the woman (or maybe not).

Someone else, knowing my constant irritation with "How to attract your man" articles, suggests to me, "why don't you do a similar article for women?". Like, really? I am not going there o, abeg! Reason? I consider all those articles manipulative. Written by some sexist, masochistic, chauvinist somewhere with the sole aim of constantly manipulating women to get his own way. And you do know what they say about manipulation don't you? Oh, you don't? Well, for free: Manipulation is witchcraft!

Here's what I think:

Every relationship, especially when it crosses through to marriage, needs an equal dose of effort from both partners to keep the wheels well oiled and rolling.

It sounds a bit bigotist to expect one person to do all the running around, the primping and the pruning while the other stalks the manor like the Almighty Cockerel. Demanding meals on time, sex on demand, respect on rote, clothes washed without a peep, house tidy, children clean, books well kept, accounts balanced and the inevitable help meet duties (in Nigerian parlance, this means to return home with your salary and hand it over to Oga to be administered as he pleases). Yes, in spite of all the above, the wife/woman still has to work and most times, does not even have the luxury of spending any salaries earned.

I have seen men who bathe their kids while madam is in the kitchen, read stories to keep the kids entertained, sweep the house and wash clothes, take their turns in cooking for the women while they get a chance to put their feet up, shoo the women out the door to go have a night out with the girls while they try to run the home front... And no, there was no JAZZ involved... And yes, in Naija!

It is born of an innate desire to please. When I look at couples that are so relaxed in and of themselves, that are constantly happy, cheerful, have their moments but soon get over them and continue to ride the rollicking waves of relationships, I see people who have understood the (as far as I am concerned), first and basic principle of relationship: mutual respect and understanding.

It does not take much to understand that everyone has made a sacrifice to be with the other in a relationship or marriage. We have all left our familiar zones in order to be with someone that we somehow feel, will make us feel better in the long run. Someone we believe will give us ultimate and maximum satisfaction and with whom we can fulfill and achieve our dreams. Why then, should one of the two slave to make the other more comfortable and to compound their misery, read manipulative articles on "how to keep him happy"?

Fellas, L-O-V-E, Love! That should be the first and only reason for entering into a relationship. Not because she has a big behind, or is yellow skinned. Not because he works in an "oryel compani" or drives the latest cars. Tall, dark and handsome has nothing to do with relationships. Work with the first rule in mind. Can I tolerate this person? Do I really see myself being in close quarters with this individual and not going gaga? Can I overlook a multitude of what the world will see as flaws and still see stars when I look in his/her eyes? Really, it is a no-brainer, when you love someone, you want only the best for that person. No going around on hands and knees, scrubbing the ground you walk on. No worshiping your very presence or luxuriating in the lack of it because you have made yourself the king of the ring!

Go ahead, think of things that will make your partner happy and do it, just for the heck of it. Not because of what you expect to receive back in return.

What do you think would make whatever burden they are faced with lighter to bear? Go ahead and lighten that load. Doesn't matter if your friends walk in on you pounding yam or sweeping the house for your wife/babe! When it comes to relationship issues, wise family and friends know not to go there with "stewpeed" opinions and unsolicited advice.

How do you want your home to be? A safe haven? A comfort zone? Or a military training ground - a barracks? The power to achieve whichever atmosphere is conducive, lies in both hands.

The dog says - "If you fall for me and I fall for you... then it is play"

Last Words: Ladies, please grow a spine or a pair of balls, whichever you feel you are most desperately in need of. If you have to read so many dubious articles and play mind games to keep a man, then you are so obviously in the wrong relationship. He needs to want to be with you voluntarily and happily, else all you have succeeded in doing, is holding yourself captive to an inmate in a prison cell you both call "home".

If it is too much trouble to hold on to, open your hands and let it go - If it is yours, it will come back and if it doesn't come back, heck your hands are free for whatever that is worth!