Amazon!

What???

Grace could feel the blood vessels about to pop in her temple.

What? Who dared to drop that kain silly comment on her thread? Must be a first timer. E be like say the person no know. Dem no tell am before say person no dey just take anyhow waka on top her wall?

Kai!

She hit both sides of her head with her open palms, then picked up her phone. She gazed into the distance briefly for a few minutes while she composed her thoughts and decided which words would send a barb straight into the heart of the commenter.

Make she just kill am finish one hand.

Yeye just dey smell up and down. No be hin fault.

"What exactly do you mean by asking who authorised me to dispense marital advice? You, by what authority are you constituting a nuisance of yourself all over social media?"

Almost as soon as her comment dropped, the "likes" began to pour in.

Comments:

"The Amazon".

"We know say you  no see the comment since na hin make you no respond."

"Who be the baggar wey dey make our Amazon vex like this?"

And so on and so forth. Faithful followers of the posts on her wall where she dispensed no-nonsense, no-holds-barred, no-punches-pulled relationship advice.

Today for instance, someone had come inbox and sought advice on how to handle a husband who was not being as responsive as he used to be.

"Please help me and put this up on your wall Aunty Grace. Please hide my identity and let your readers advice me on what to do".

She had put up the long story on her wall. Something about the man not responding to his wife's sexual advances. He would come back from work with a very sour countenance, eat his meal grumpily, get into bed and turn his back on his poor, long-suffering wife.

The poor woman had tried everything to get her husband to pay her some attention.

Music...

Perfumes...

Scented candles (she alomst burnt down the house with that one).

In desperation, the anonymous but frustrated young wife had written to the tough-talking Aunty Grace in search of a solution.

Grace had put up the story on her wall in her usual fashion, then proceeded to add her opinion underneath:

"This is why I said that women especially should shine their eyes before they marry. What sort of nonsense is that? How will he finish eating and then turn his back on his wife? I don't blame him. I blame the wife who continues to give him food when ordinary sex, he cannot give her back in return. Nonsense. Divorce him and marry a more caring man joor".

And the "likes" from the regulars on her wall who were more wary of being at the receiving end of her sharp tongue than they were of their abilities to sound like a gaggle of geese, endorsed and echoed her opinion. 

Except for that one comment.

That dared to oppose her? Nonsense comment, she was sure that in his small brain, the person believed he was making sense when he said, "Grace that is too harsh. Divorce for what? The man might be passing through work and other life stress, perhaps she should seek counselling or involve trusted parties to find out what the issues were".

Grace was not in the mood for that kind of yeye talk.

"Is he a baby? Why should she have to go through all that stress and cajole him to get him to talk? Chai. Women are suffering o. Arrant nonsense."

"But Grace, are you married? If yes, is that how you would handle it if it were to be your husband?"

"First off, my marital status and issues are none of your concern. Secondly, I will not even think of marrying a man who will not confide in me as soon as something begins to disturb him o..."

"Hmmm, that might be easy to say but in a marriage situation, you have to take your partner into consideration most times."

"That is for the Proverbs 31 woman, not me. If any man tries that nonsense with me, I will deal with him properly."

====================================

Grace clicked on the status update button.

"What's on your mind," the social networking app asked her.

"Plenty", she thought as she started typing a rant on husbands and how they would attempt to manipulate their wives into waiting on them hand and foot.

She ranted about "equal rice for human beans" and how marriage was just a piece of paper. If it was her decision to take, she would just scrap marriage and stop the oppression of women by yeye men masquerading as husbands. She would just promulgate a decree that would allow people just cohabit and bear children.

Somewhere in the far recesses of her mind, she heard the security gate sliding open. A quick scan of the status update for errors and finding none, she clicked on "post update", then stood up and adjusted her dress.

Just as she switched off the device she had been using and slipped it in between the couch pillows (she would hide it properly after he had gone to bed), and switched on the smaller blackberry phone where she was the admin on a few virtuous women prayer platforms and meeting groups, the door opened and her husband came in.

"Good afternoon Sugar,"  she greeted, bending one knee slightly.

"Hmmmph."

"How was work today?"

"Hmmmph".

"Baby talk to me now, what do you want to eat?"

"Nothing."

"Hah, you can't  say "nothing" o, baby. You have not eaten my food in the past seven days. Please baby, okay tell me what you want to eat and let me start cooking now. I made your favourite yam porridge with vegetables but if you don't want it, I can pound yam with vegetable soup instead. Please baby. Please, just talk to me."

Incu what?

Is this a very Nigerian thing or does it truly exist in the real sense of it?

A young man, straight from school into the work force, gets a very good job with a reputable oil firm/bank/NGO/school, heck anything, just a good job. Is doing really well for himself and others, has a good relationship with his girlfriend whom he eventually marries. Two years down the line, he begins to experience challenges, maybe life challenges  maybe work related, loses his job and goes through the usual adjustment processes. The wife runs from pillar to post seeking spiritual (and sometimes physical) solution to the man's envisaged problems. Goes to a church where she is informed the husband has a "spirit wife" that is offended with the marriage and hell bent on dealing with him for marrying her.

A young lady, slowly approaching her late forties, holds down a good job, lives real well, contributes to her church, community and society, can afford to take trips abroad for holiday and leisure. No marital prospects on the horizon, maybe having been battered emotionally and psychologically, has also taken the decision to stay away from relationships and live her life the way she wants to live it. If marriage comes, fine and if it doesn't come okay! Her concerned mother, runs helter skelter, seeking a "solution" to her daughter's marital "problems". In seeking that solution, she chances upon a prophet or MOG who calmly informs her that her daughter is married in the marine world "Spirit husband". And his presence in her life will not permit any other man to step in.

A couple, married for over 10 years, both hold down good jobs (or maybe they don't, that is entirely besides the point here), good members of their society, churches and community. Openly loving and generous couple, besotted with each other and outpouring towards society at large. Their challenge - no children yet. They have tried every position known to man, even taken advice from dubious sources, all in a bid to try to have just one child. They have resorted to dry charges (no food, no water fasting for short bursts of three days at a stretch), all to no avail. Eventually, during a church crusade, they are informed that either (or both) of them have spouses in the spirit world (and perhaps children), and need deliverance from these ties in order to progress.

A married man has a near escape from a fatal road accident - Either his wife or him have a spirit spouse who is after their lives

A young and upwardly mobile lady loses all her earthly positions and titles, perhaps after just getting married - There is a spirit husband who is angry with her for getting married

A couple have one child who is hell bent on sending his parents to an early grave - The spirit children are annoyed that in spite of their best efforts at keeping the couple apart, they still got together and had children.

The instances are endless and could go on and on and on..

Worried, especially as I recently had the dubious honor of mediating in a case where the wife was told her husband's "spirit wife" was to blame for all the incidents he had recently passed through, to the extent that the "spirit spouse" was now attacking the innocent woman, trying to ensure she made little or no progress in life for as long as she remained married to her husband, I decided to carry out a bit of sleuthing. (My thoughts and opinions on this particular case comes at the end).

From my searches, this "Spirit Spouse" phenomenon seems to be a largely West African thing, with one or two particular churches latching on to it and declaring every issue a spirit spouse thing. Other upcoming pastors and prophets, seeing how it has worked out well for their forbears, proceed to proliferate and spread the gospel according to spirit husbands and wives. Spirit spouses were birthed in ancient Latin mythology and have slowly spread their tentacles to other parts of the world, but in no other space have they received widespread acceptance than in West Africa, especially our very own Naija.

Someone comes to a Pastor for prayers and deliverance. You are hard pressed to admit that you cannot decipher the root cause of this problem and rather than advice the young couple to continue to wait on God's time, you proceed to dash one or the other of them a "Spirit Spouse". Easy short cut to the resolution of the spiritual problem.

What happened to waiting on God and God's time? I took my time to go through the bible and no where was "Spirit Husband" or "Spirit Wife" mentioned in connection to any of the misfortunes that fell upon the great men in the bible. I believe that as Christians, whether practicing or professing, our standard should be the bible.

Job - Big man, houses, lands, cars, goods on the high seas, children wif swagga, it was reported he lost them all in one day! So, I am convinced, if Job's wife - that restless woman- had gone to a Nigerian prophet, she would have been asked to bring her husband down for deliverance from Spirit Spouse. Job on the other hand, knew that he was being tried and tempted, after all the bible does admonish us to count it all joy when we are faced with diverse temptations as it is the trial of our faith that worketh patience (James 1:3). He waited on God and for God's time and his end was more glorious than the beginning. 

Would that a lot of these pastors, when they see desperate young men seeking an instant solution to life's problems would just advice them to wait on God. Wait! How come we no longer want to wait, both physically and spiritually? We want everything to come to us and at our own times, why? Who even deceives people into believing that life is a smooth journey - I can assure you that even the Dangotes and Otedolas of the world have some pressing or burning issue that can be wished away on a "Spirit spouse".

Abraham and Sarah, they waited to have Isaac. They waited beyond what any human being living or dead would consider realistic. They waited until their due time for visitation and then, they were blessed with the child as promised of God and indeed Abraham became the father of all nations as promised. Nowhere did the bible mention deliverance from a spirit husband or wife before the child came.

Mary Magdalene - no spirit husband

Peter (of "I go a fishing" fame, sword carrying disciple, "I no know this Jesus o") - no spirit wife

Samson - No spirit wife (even though he landed the prize with Delilah - go figure)

Ruth - No Spirit husband

Jonah - No Spirit wife

Joseph - No spirit wife

Racheal - No spirit husband

And on, and on, and on. In fact in the entire bible, there was no spirit spouse mentioned as the root cause of anybody's life challenges. Point of fact, there were demons, confirmed! And they were speedily dispatched. But no where was someone advised to go for deliverance from spirit husband. When I took this up with a prophet and asked him to show me proof in the bible that spirit spouses are the root cause of  problems encountered by individuals, he took me to Mathew 13:25 - But while men slept, his enemies came and sowed wheat among the tares and went away.

Please, can someone with a better understanding explain to me how this relates to Spirit Spouse? He said to me that this was a parable only for the "discerning", and I took him through the bible where every parable was properly explained and in fact in most instances, linked directly to the situation they referred to! Well, I had my own bible reference for the Pastor - 2 Peter 2: 1-3.

Overall, I really think we need to learn to be discerning. People encounter life situations and when you go through a "wilderness experience", learn to wait. Wait and listen to the still small voice. Stop running from pillar to post. Wait for God and He will speak to every situation in your life and at THE APPOINTED TIME, things will work right and your lines will begin to fall into pleasant places.

Now, back to the issue of the young man with "the spirit wife". His flesh wife (abi wetin you go call this one again), was visibly agitated. She wanted no part of this spirit wife especially since she was told that the next target could be her life! She in fact, needed to quickly disassociate herself with the man as she had also started experiencing "difficulties in her business". I had a good laugh on her account, free of charge and told her one thing.

It was obvious to me that there was never any love involved in the marriage, especially on her part, in the first instance. She had just been stringing this man along and was there for the ride. Now when things were no longer as rosy as they used to be, she was conveniently taking the easy way out - blame it on the spirit spouse and bail for your life. I advised her and I strongly believe in this advise, to stand by her man! What he needs during this period of challenge in his life is someone who would empathise, comfort, understand and support. Of course her business will experience difficulties because where before, it was just used to support Madam's fashion leanings and cravings, now it was supporting the entire household (school fees, feeding, house rent, etc).

Like I told her, she could make good use of this opportunity to flee to greener pastures, no guarantee that those pastures would remain evergreen and guess what would happen when her new love begins to experience a set back, *no brainer alert*, well, she would be accused of having a spirit husband since every man she latches herself onto experiences setbacks. How then would she feel?

On the other hand, if the man finds a woman that supports him during the difficulties, stands by him and together nurtures him back to growth, the rat that abandoned the sinking ship would definitely surface sometime in the future and start attempting to claim her place back as the "First and rightful wife".

Please Nigerians, be wise and grow a brain!

One For The Road...

"Do you, Xaviera, take this man, Jacob, to be your lawful wedded husband, to love, honor and cherish him through sickness and in health, through times of happiness and travail, until death do you part? 

"I do"

Vivi's mind drifted off and the rest of the ceremony passed as in a haze. Suddenly, the words she had been waiting all her life for...

"You may now kiss the bride"

As Jake released her waist where he had placed his hand proprietorially, in defiance of anyone's opinions from the very first moment she walked down the aisle to him; as he slowly lifted the veil he had insisted she wear in spite of all her protests; she began a long slow exhale.

She continued exhaling as he lowered his head to hers, she knew he was an extremely passionate man and even though her mind was doing cartwheels, her body remained frozen as she waited, anticipating. Just before his lips made contact, she deeply inhaled and was immediately lost in the passion of the moment.

He ignored the fact that they were in church, in the presence of the priest and tons of friends and well wishers who had gathered to witness this joyous day as he proceeded to titillate her senses with promises of what was to come.

The catcalls and wolf whistles, the riotous applause, people climbing on the pews to get a better look, flashes as everyone suddenly turned paparazzi to capture this one moment of unbridled passion, this open display of love and devotion, all passed unnoticed as firmly but gently, Jake ensured he thoroughly kissed his bride.

As he finally let her go, he clutched her to his chest for one moment, more to shield her as she had streams of tears running down her face and ruining the expertly applied make up, then handing her over to the maid of honor, he turned to the loudest section of the audience where his friends were making their presence felt and noticed and slowly, took a bow. The church erupted and it took the officiating minister over 10 minutes to restore order.

Seizing the moment, Vivi, whose heart kept hammering as though it sought escape from her body had, with the help of her maid of honor, expertly touched up her make up and  managed to maintain and regain some of her trademark composed facade. The joy coursing through her body, radiated on her face and gave her an almost other worldly look.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to introduce to you for the very first time, the newly joined: Mr and Mrs Udoh"

Since he had seen first hand how rambunctious this crowd could be, as he spoke the words, the officiating minister deftly stood aside and began walking backwards to his vestry as the congregation thronged the couple. There were hugs, kisses, tears, backslapping, catcalls... this crowd was happy to be alive and happy to be here and were determined to show it loud and clear.

========================================================================

Photographs - check
Wedding reception - check
Wedding dance - check
Cutting of the cake - check
Feeding each other - check
Presentation of gifts - check
Toasts and speeches - check
Tossing of the bouquet - check
Running off into the stretch limo - check

Aside from the unexpected well of emotions at the church service, Vivi had maintained her composure. There were no more tears and she had luxuriated and enjoyed every moment of her day. Jake had ensured she had a jolly good time. He was never too far from her and even when the surge of friends had somehow carried them apart almost to the different ends of the hall, she could always feel the warmth of his eyes on her. Whenever she made eye contact, he slowly winked. Whenever she was close enough, his hand was always on her waist or the small of her back. He was always leaning in for a kiss here, a peck there. Gawd he loved this lady, he had landed a jackpot all in one and he was determined to let the whole world know.

Once in the limo, she had quickly changed into her get away clothes and relaxed to await the surprise Jake had kept insinuating was in stock for her today.

Suddenly, he was on his knees in front of her, took both of her hands in his and looked into her eyes.

"My Love, My wife! Today, you have made me the happiest man in the entire universe. You are for me a dream come true, all my life I have prayed and hoped for a woman just like you. I still don't know what I have done to deserve you at the point of almost giving up, but I know that I am devoted to making everyday worth the while for as long as we both shall live. There will be good days and bad, there will be ups and downs, we may not always agree, but I promise, I will never let you go. You are my heartbeat and for as long as my heart beats, I promise to stay true to you!"

As the tears filled her eyes, he pulled himself into the seat beside her, clutched her close to him and rocked her gently back and forth.

As Vivi's mind traveled into the past, just two short years ago, she smiled at their first encounter and how she had almost let this one go...

========================================================================

As Vivi nursed a steaming cup of hot coffee at the Hammersmith Station, she was oblivious to the fact that tears were coursing down her face. In part due to the cold, in part due to the shock she had just experienced, she was entirely numb and unfeeling.

She had heard him calling her as she walked briskly down Iffley Road and had broken into a light jog. Rather than go through the Main Street, she had darted under the bridge to the King's mall and promptly gotten herself mixed up among the throng of shoppers flocking in and out of the malls, all the while, keeping a wary eye out for him.

She had traveled all the way from Nigeria to meet Chuks,well, maybe not just to meet him, but since she was around and had added on a few days from her vacation to her trainingschedule, she had decided to track him down. Somehow, in the past three months, he had grown more and more distant, ignoring her calls and messages, showing up once in a while with a mouth full of excuses and hell bent on getting one thing and one thing only. It had been frustrating and she had run a gamut of emotions but the worst part for her had been the mind games.

Whenever he remembered to call her or had taken one of her calls, he would pick offence at the slightest provocation, claim an overflow of emotions and drop the phone on her, pleading he needed time to sort his riotous emotions out. Her head would jump in and immediately begin to advise her on how to effectively be the bigger person and end the relationship, but her heart, o treacherous heart, would convince her to just hang in there and understand with "all he was going through".

He had suddenly shown up one day and announced that he needed to get back to London to "sort out a few things". As usual, he had finagled a fast fuck out of her on her living room rug (that was another thing that bothered her about their relationship, he could never be bothered to woo her properly or even lead her into the bedroom). It was always "wham-bam", he would help her up from the rug, plant a kiss on her forehead, zip up and would be gone like a flash in the dark until whenever he felt the urge for her again.

This time, he was even faster than usual and went mechanically about his business, not even bothering or noticing if she was ready, his mind obviously elsewhere. Done, he stood up, zipped up and focused on his Blackberry, responding furiously as the phone pinged away! After a few minutes, she had rolled over, stood up, adjusted her dress and moved into the adjoining bedroom where she sat with her head in her palms, wondering what had just happened.

She was jolted back to the present by his sudden appearance in the room. He dropped a kiss on her forehead, pulled her to her feet, hugged her tight and requested she opened the door to let him out. She had moved like a zombie and after he left, dropped back to the bed and lay cuddled up in the fetal position until she dropped into an uneasy sleep.

Well, here she was in London. He had been a bit more frequent with his calls since arriving London, but evaded any personal questions and got off the line as quickly as he possibly could. She was not one to leave any stone un turned and had come prepared to talk this relationship through and map out a way forward. What she was not prepared for was what she saw when she knocked on the door...

She had vaguely remembered him mention Number 75 Iffley Road while on a telephone conversation with a friend and had purposely not informed him she would be in London. Two days and she was done with the training. At six am on Friday morning, she steeled herself and set off for Hammersmith, an area she was slightly familiar with.

As she hit the knocker twice on the door, she heard the scurry of little feet and then a soft thump on the door at about shin height  How cute, she thought, he has a dog. As she knocked again, the door opened and she stared into the bluest pair of eyes she had ever come across in the universe.

"Sorry," the lady muttered breathlessly, "Adrian is always quick to get the door".

She looked down and noticed a dark skinned boy of about two with extremely curly hair, happily nattering away.

As she looked up at the white woman staring questioningly back at her, she saw a pair of slipper clad feet descending the staircase, bringing into view Chuks!

"Hey Chels, who is....." his voice spluttered into nothingness as he saw her.

She could see in the hallway, framed pictures of him and Chelsea, each alone, together, with three kids the eldest not more than six. Obviously, he was home.

Impulsively, she said the first thing that came into her mind, "Does Mr. Blenkinsop stay here?"

"Oh no Darling, you have a wrong address" replied Chelsea while Chuks stood with his mouth open.

"Oh, my bad. Sorry for the bother".

She pivoted on her heels and turned back up Iffley road and ten minutes later, heard him call out her name.

She ran.

As she recollected her thoughts, she saw a hand holding out an handkerchief to her:

"Go on Angel, a pretty lady like you should not be sitting alone crying, whatever the circumstances"

She looked into the eyes of the man standing in front of her. Tall, light skinned (but obviously African), a sole diamond glittered in his ear. As he came into focus and placed the handkerchief in her hand, she jerked back and split some of the coffee down her coat. She snatched the handkerchief and wiping herself down, turned for the door.

"Hey...!"

She ignored him and walked briskly down into the train station, ignoring the call from behind her. As she walked down the steps, her train pulled into the station and she walked through the nearest door and through several coaches before settling in one that was almost full to capacity. She needed the distraction of other commuters to drown out the privacy of her thoughts.

========================================================================

Sunday morning, she got up bright and early and began to plan her day.

Having collapsed into bed on Friday and remained there until today, she thought a little bit of retail therapy could serve to soothe her frazzled nerves and prepared herself for the trip to the Liverpool street market.

As usual, when she needed to clear her head, she thought in gutter pidgin.

"Today na to chop all the money wey dey my hand o. After that yeye skrobbo don chop everytin wey de my body finish. Useless obote gorilla  Chai, na wa for dis kain life o! How person wey get wife and many many pikin dem go dey lie put lef', rait and center. Im dey even ma wan mak I introduce am gee all my friends, my family, everybodi. If hin see me wit man, him go dey form annoyance. Ewu gambia"

She walked up to the mirror and looked at herself critically, pointing a finger at herself, she continued...

"Your mates na goat, you, you be ewu. Original ewu awusa, proper ewu gambia. So na so any man wey come near you, you go de gee am chop ba? See wetin u do urself? You even kukuma sef carry youa dead bodi come meet man all the way for ofesi, man wey no send you. You better learn youa lesson now, useless old woman"

Her thoughts swung back to Chuks and she began to curse him out roundly. She had a mouth like a drunken sailor, but only her closest friends knew about that side of her. To everyone else, she presented the highly polished public veneer, the cool lady exterior, the classy and high class genteel persona.

========================================================================

As she strolled down Petticoat Lane some hours later, her mind more settled now, she took in the sights and sounds of the market.

"One Pound, Two Pounds, Three Pounds look around"

"Anyone is a five pounds, anyone is a five pounds"

"Hot roasted chestnuts, peanuts, all nuts, you want nuts? "

The sing song call of the traders, the jostling of the patrons (she had her sling back bag close to her chest and underneath her sweater), the scrambles for bargains, the ever vigilant cops, the hordes and hordes of Nigerians dragging huge boxes behind them, she did not notice when she brushed against someone until the "brushee" reached out his arm and caught her lightly by the sleeve.

"Angel?"

She stared up into a pair of dreamy eyes. He was tall, light skinned (although he was obviously African) and a single diamond glittered in his ear. Broad chested, as her eyes skimmed quickly over his face and body, trying desperately to place him, she noticed the tail end of a tattoo on his neck, sneaking out from the end of his jacket. It looked like a tail, or a snake, or a letter. She sensed rather than smelt the perfume on him and though she could not readily place it, knew it must be expensive.

He spoke in a dreamy American accent, in a soft voice guaranteed to make a woman go weak in the knees...

"Fancy meeting you here Angel"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, of all the people I expected to bump into on Petticoat Lane, you were the least of them. Gosh, it is quite good seeing you again..."

She snatched her sleeve out of his grasp and proceeded to give him her classic pulverizing look. Quick as a flash, her face static, her eyeballs moved along the length of his body. Up, down, up, down, up, down in rapid succession! She followed it up with a long drawn out hiss

"Mtchewwwwwwwwwww"

As he felt the heat and resentment pouring out from her and the scorching eyes carving a path through his body as they seriously "eyed" him, he froze and the words died out on his lips. Hands still stretched out, he could not help but feel something rise in him as the vixen done with the eye washing, proceeded to hiss in unexpected Nigerian gutter style, turned and matched away. Her curvaceous but evenly distributed size 18, arresting his gaze until she disappeared around the corner.

"Damn!" He ran his hand over his head and down around his lips. Rubbing both hands together, he looked around, let out a soft whistle and said, almost to himself... "I want that!"



TO BE CONTINUED...... [maybe :-)]