Chivalry! Did it really, truly die?

To all men out there, potential toasters of all the potential toastees (willing and unwilling) that inhabit the earth, this red alert is posted on your behalf.

Chivalry is not dead - not yet.

Last I checked, it was still alive and there are still a few gentlemen out there struggling to prove to the world that there is indeed some reason why the word "gentle" appears before the word man/men. Else, we would also have Agberomen, Yawamen, Nyamanyamamen, etc!

> Please, do not attempt to jump the queue in front of a lady in a supermarket because you are carrying "only three loaves of bread". That is downright, no-good, toutish behaviour. Even if you are holding only one can of beer, the rules of civilised behavior demand that you queue up like everyone else and wait your turn to be served. Now, need to rush somewhere and feel you could perhaps benefit from being served before the lady in front of you wheeling a trolley full of supermarket goodies (necessary and unnecessary -  c'mon ladies, we know ourselves na)? Here's my suggestion, and how I think a "Gentleman" would tackle it:

Strike up a conversation with her. Make light humorous talk and gently chip in how her trolley is so loaded, etc. Don't toast her, no snide comments. While she is still in a giggly mood from your smashing wit (you better go to wit classes and learn how to make an acquaintance laugh without injecting sexual overtures), point out how you have just this one miserable can of beer and are doomed to wait for her to pass all her purchases. A "Lady" will immediately offer you the checkout first.

That, people, is how it works. Don't think toasting her will work, it won't. Don't think getting a supermarket staff to help you jump the queue will work, it won't. Don't think talking about how women are spendaholics and shopaholics will give you faster access to the till. Truth be told, if there are two of those ladies and they think the way I do, they would take it in turns to stand guard, while the other continues to pile on items in the shopping trolley, just to get your goat and believe me, you don't want your goat gotten by two of the "weaker vessels"!

>A lady compliments you on your speech, outfit, car, mobile phone, etc - No, she does not like you and is not lusting after you. She is just a properly trained gurl who appreciates what she sees in you and might somehow, want to learn how she can obtain same for her guy, husband, brother, father, casual friend, etc. The list, you bigoted, swollen headed, egotist, is endless! For all my male friends who come to me blabbing about how a lady in the supermarket creamed her pants at the sight of them and fell in lust at first sight, I always hand out a crashing reality check and point this out.

Don't go turning on the charm offensive because a lady has just complimented something on or about you. Believe me, even if chivalry is dying, decency still holds strong among a million and one women out there. Please, gather up your swollen head, return it back to normal size, graciously accept the compliment as an acknowledgement of your good taste and not an tempt to "pick you up" *barf*, and return the compliment in kind. Oh and in returning the compliment, you are not at liberty to compliment any part of her anatomy that protrudes beyond the centre line. Keep it simple guys and take your eyes and minds out of the gutter.

>You make a girl's acquaintance and somehow, exchange contacts. (This is my personal pet peeve as I have often wondered so many times if there is something else behind "Start up consultancy" than what I think it is). Next thing you know, the man calls up the lady and starts professing unending and undying "love", a "love" that has only one destination and which will definitely fizzle out soon as that goal is met.

Please guys, a lot of ladies really do love to make acquaintances and new friends and keep the lines as free and as untangled as they can be. I hand you my card and tell you I am a Start Up Consultant and next thing I get are phone calls professing undying love to someone you met at a DSTV/NEPA queue, supermarket, etc! Really, perhaps there are other forms of consultancy in Abuja I am yet to discover, but what I do is offer advice to start ups on how to run a small business effectively and provide hands on support for the first three months, including recruitment, training and supervision of ALL staff with follow up services for the next three months.

Please out of the entire explanation I have given above, which of them sounds like: likes to frolic with strange looking men I just met and had exchanged contacts with in the hopes of getting business referrals? Good thing there is a business line which is switched off once it is past 5pm.

GENTLEmen...we are kept waiting for services and strike up a conversation in order to pass the time. We exchange contacts and there were no sexual innuendoes throughout the entire length of the conversation, then sorry to disappoint you but no, I am not a high class and therefore extremely discreet call girl. I am what I told you I am! Call only if you need my professional expertise to meet some business needs (believe me, I have gotten good business that way), you can call to express your appreciation of the frank, informed and intellectually stimulating discussion we had, but please keep it business. Especially when you have a wedding ring on and the rows of diamonds on MY own wedding ring almost blinded you throughout the length of the discussion. Sheesh!

> Finally (for now), you are single, she is single. You meet, somehow, anyhow, a connection is struck up between the two both of you and you decide to plunge into a relationship. Only initiate sex moves without having wooed the lady properly, if you truly have a death wish. Sincerely men, it is time to get your acts together.

Woo the ladies, wine them, dine them and keep sex in any form whatsoever (yes, when you try to snatch a quick hug, we know where you think it is going to end and no, you are not going to get some!), out of your conversation.

I listened to one silly rant of a video blogger where she says girls should stop asking men for things and have some pride, bla, bla, bla. My dislike of the vlog was made even stronger by the fact that said tart was taking a dump at the time of the rant. My brain could therefore not connect her rant with the obviously silly message she wanted to pass across but each time she vented, could imagine it as a disguise for the cannon ball number two she was about to drop in the loo. (No, ladies don't do video blogs while in the toilet)!

Well, while I also do not subscribe to the girl asking guys for things, I think that the onus is on the guy to prove his worth to a girl he is in a relationship with. Stop putting up all those silly facebook updates about how a girl who does not make demands on you is housewife material! Trash! We know where you are headed with that and we are not deceived. Wine us, Dine us, Woo us, Spoil us silly with gifts (within your means o) while you are toasting us! Ladies, it is your right to be pampered silly by the guy who claims to love you. Accept nothing else and hold out on the little sump'n, sump'n until he has put a ring on it (your finger that is).

Why? Cos soon as you are all theirs, soon as you have become the madam of the home, only the very very few really chivalrous ones continue to pamper, to appreciate, to shower you with gifts and love. To the rest, mission accomplished and they move on to wooing the madam of the streets!

There is a reason after all why hos are considered smart. Unlike the good girls, they don't give it out for free and then proceed to lament after the guy don chop clean mouth, waka on to the next victim, about how they were used. No! You date a ho', everybody plays everybody in that relationship and when the man eventually decides to go, he leaves the worse off because he has invested time, money and perhaps some emotions trying to break through her icy heart and elicit some feelings in return.

Not endorsing "ho"ship ladies, just saying: Learn from them! Never, ever, ever give it out to a guy who is yet to do as Beyonce instructed, out of pity *barf*, or love *double barf*, or emotions *groannnnn*, especially if you intend to give it out for free!

*Do not trail a woman's car in order to express undying love and continue a conversation she earnestly belived had ended!
*Do not continue to toast a woman who sports and brandishes a wedding ring.
*Do not toast a woman and point out any part of her anatomy as the main attraction (how would you feel if I said "Oh, the bulge in your trousers attracted me to you"?
* Do not walk through a door just opened by a woman like the untrained oaf you are and leave her to struggle with it.
*Do not strike up a conversation with a woman struggling with packages and a restive child or two, especially if you have not offered to help carry those packages or something.
*Do not push aside a woman on a queue, especially if you are fighting for bread in Next or Shoprite (really some guys need koboko)

The list goes on and on and I daresay, feminism and the move for gender equality did not advocate for chivalry and all sorts of acceptable civil and gentlemanly behavior to be thrown to the winds. No it did not. it simply moved to advocate for more empowerment, recognition and appreciation of the untapped potentials left lying fallow in our womenfolk because of bigoted male superiority complex issues (or something like that ;-), me ah no know o!)

Having said that, a very big hola to all the chivalrous men who still exist in the world: My Oga At The Top heads the list of course *wink, wink*, my brothers, my bros-in-law has probably perfected the art and a few other gentlemen I know, some of them married to my friends, some of them still single, who give life and attitude to the word CHIVALRY