Okay, I know this is indeed a quirky caption for a blog post, but something piqued my interest today and has been sitting in a corner of my mind, nagging the bejeezes out of me, and I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about this.
So, the major irritant? A music video on DSTV, meant to be a gospel music and titled "Praise" or some sort! Well, in this video, this lady is married to a layabout, goes out, stays out late, catches all the fun in the world while she sits at home worrying, returns home late and drunk (at this point, I am still like, "okay, nothing to kill yourself over". I have a policy of roll over and play dead, ignore him long enough and he will return to his senses, or else, two can play that game! Then, the icing on the cake, with little or no provocation, he pounces on her, and shows her exactly who the reigning Oba of Benin is: with kicks, blows, punches, etc.
Now, in spite of the constant barrage of panel beatings, she just keeps praying to the Holy Spirit to take control until one day, in the midst of her prayers, the man comes in, falls weeping at her feet, they kiss and make up and apparently, the "Holy Spirit" took control! Don't ask me how this entire plot managed to play out in under five minutes, if you have ever been forced to sit and watch Nigerian movie and music productions, you will know that they are neither limited by time, space or credibility!
Well, while watching, I was in turmoil. I was like no, this is not right! We should not allow our daughters watch this sort of video, masquerading itself as a Gospel Video. No, we must not. It is wrong on every level of wrong. No human being should believe that violence is a way of life against which positive action should not be taken by the victim. Even I, with my tolerance of talking out issues, will only allow for one mistake where Violence is concerned. We should also not allow our sons watch that type of video as it might warp their perspective into believing that if they raise their hands against a woman, it is not of their doing, it is the result of an "evil spirit" at work within them, and they need a prayerful wife who can pray down the intervention of the "holy spirit", to save them.
Puhleeze!
If you raise your hands against a woman, even to push a finger against her head, YOU are an evil spirit and need to be banished off the face of the earth. I have no breath to waste on wife beaters and this post is not to or about them!
Now, dear sisters, please, your self worth first before any other. A man who raises a hand against you has little or no value for you as a human being first, as an adult individual second and finally, as a help meet. I allow for the fact that there might come an instance where he will shove or push you, maybe even deal a slap, sincerely, we are all human. Sit him down if you must and truly, really love him and talk out these issues. Agree it is not going to happen again and work out how your relationship will proceed moving forward. The next time he even looks like he will raise a hand against you, WALK, keep walking and don't stop walking until you get to a place of safety.
Do not allow yourself to be indoctrinated into believing that a violent man can be saved with myriads of prayers and interceding to the "Holy Spirit" to intervene on your behalf while you daily face a barrage of fists. You might be in the mood of prayer the day he deals the killing blow. If you truly love the man, separate from him and pray for him from a distance. Remove yourself from the direct line of fire. Listen, there is nothing to be gained by staying and putting yourself at risk daily in order to prove the world that you are a virtuous woman. Come the day when you lose your life over the worthless bloke, and the reason why you irritated him so much and he couldn't stand the sight of you, will move in in less than a month, throw out your clothes and maltreat the children you left behind.
Seriously, I have gone through the bible trying to find an instance where a man actually raised his hand against a woman and found none! If you die trying to be a good wife, you just might have committed suicide, because I am convinced of one thing, it is not among the ten commandments that thou shalt not strive to preserve thy life! It is not. In fact 3John 1:2 wishes that we PROSPER and be in GOOD HEALTH even as our SOUL PROSPERS. You can not prosper when you are constantly thinking up (and failing) at strategies to keep the lion of the house at bay! You can not be in good health when you are constantly "falling off a bike", "falling off an okada", "running into a stationary trailer" (heck, you even cast aspersions on your coordination as a human being just to make excuses for a wife beater), your soul can not prosper when every day, rather than pray for spiritual growth, you are asking for the "Holy Spirit" to intervene and stop the man from hitting you.
In fact, in Luke 20: 27-38, we are told categorically that there is no marriage in heaven. Why then Sisters, do we risk our lives to cling tenaciously to a marriage that will not add any value to our afterlife, but might in fact act as a drag, preventing you from achieving your ultimate destination? If you seriously believe Divorce Is Not an Option, then separate for a while. Separate, until you have proof that he has come to his senses. whatever you do, where violence is involved, be extremely selfish. Think YOU, YOU, YOU! YOU first! So many battered women who ran and left their children are today alive, healthy, happy and reunited with their children. I might invite one or two that I know personally to share their stories on this blog if they will. I am also a survivor! Maybe one day, my story will out! Maybe....
In closing, a little anecdote:
We have this small gathering of women - single, married, widowed, the only criteria is to love the Lord -, we meet the first Sunday of every month to fast and pray. Well one day, at a meeting that held in my house, I presented the case of a battered young lady who wanted us to pray with her. Without missing a beat and almost unanimously, the other sisters retorted - "Let her leave the husband first, then we will pray. She can't be enjoying the beating and asking us to pray for her".
Suffice it to say, we did not pray for her and her issue was never mentioned again since she so obviously proved to us all within a matter of days that she was indeed "enjoying the beating".
Ciao folks!
*Applause* Too true!! Sadly though, a lot of people believe that to be a virtuous woman is to be a doormat and tolerate any kind of indignity meted out to you.
ReplyDeletei had a couple who were cats and dogs yet claimed to be modern day romeo and juliet.one day i decided to act d caring neighbour and entered to c wat d fuss waz bout. Lo,see as d man dey arrange firewood on her,wen i invited soldiers to jump him up,she started crying dat i shd leave dem o!saying dats how he shows her love.really?tnx sis,we must play our part,let dem not hear.Grace nkechi johnson
ReplyDeleteThanks Remi. Grace, that was exactly what I meant by the lady who asked for prayers showing us a few days later that she was actually enjoying the beatings! She sent us an SOS in the middle of the night, I rushed there to find the man attempting to strangle her. in the early hours of the morning, I rushed her down to a safe place, only for her to return two days later and started accusing us of interference. The next time she came running, less than a fortnight later, i just counselled her to be loving and patient, prayed with her and allowed her to go! Some women just enable misbehavior in our men!
ReplyDeleteWell said Viola, well said!!! If you no longer have a 'safe haven' in your own home, WALK and don't look back! However, if you enjoy being beaten, put down, trampled upon and De-humanized then that is your own problem and we'll consider it alongside body piercing and tattooing!
ReplyDeleteI agree!
DeleteMany thanks for this piece. Pls, pls, don't forget the part of a nagging woman. Man was not born wicked. It was the devil that entered the man that made him wicked. So also, no man was born a beater, some women made them so. In Men, level of temperament varies. If you can just imagine what some women do nowadays.... . . .God help us o.
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with you that some women can nag to the point of extinction, I wonder, is that an excuse for domestic violence? I guess there are a lot of ways to deal with shrews disguised as wives and beating should not be one of them. Else it follows that if I have a husband who constantly stays out late, returns drunk, makes demands on me at all hours, i can take a pestle to him and beat some common sense into him? I think even the worst of us would respond to dialogue and I daresay other measures of restoring the peaceful balance? If all else fails, nothing says a man can not be battered as well. If as a man you feel physically and emotionally threatened, then the same rule applies - WALK!
DeleteIn total and absolute agreement to your blog. And to clearly state the fact that i, myself, am not a woman beater and never hope to be... the question now is this. for the fact that men are not supposed to beat their women (wives, fiances, girlfriends, lovers.etc...) is that reason enough to make the man's life a living hell? or doesn't the bible have a well worded advice on the nagging wife? doesn't the bible detail that the rooftop is a better place to dwell than with such? Is the fact that "to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
Delete" not applicable to relationships? or does it just end with science? I saw a most touching post on facebook once. How a woman single-handledly reversed her husband's attitude by changing her own. She was so happy and enjoyed so much success that she shared her experiences with brides to be and bride-zillas(no insult intended) in a bid to save their marriages(or scheduled marriages) The simple principle is this : garbage in, garbage out. You cant make his life hell and expect him to love you, in which universe? Granted, some men are born that way and cannot be redeemed(if any woman falls in love with such men, well, thats their own cup of shayi). But a majority have been made that way by their spouses who are always the first to run to the streets and cry foul when he reacts. Lets be truthful, if we can trace the origin of the violence of most men to the point when they became violent, we will also see a parallel trail of the woman's insurgence. And this trail is usually or always just before the man became (in quote) "i never knew he was like this" The question now lingers...when did he change? or seriously, did you marry him knowing he was like this? I am yet to get a satisfying answer to this question. Because in most cases, his current attitude was a team effort (in most cases o).
In total and absolute agreement to your blog. And to clearly state the fact that i, myself, am not a woman beater and never hope to be... the question now is this. for the fact that men are not supposed to beat their women (wives, fiances, girlfriends, lovers.etc...) is that reason enough to make the man's life a living hell? or doesn't the bible have a well worded advice on the nagging wife? doesn't the bible detail that the rooftop is a better place to dwell than with such? Is the fact that "to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
ReplyDelete" not applicable to relationships? or does it just end with science? I saw a most touching post on facebook once. How a woman single-handledly reversed her husband's attitude by changing her own. She was so happy and enjoyed so much success that she shared her experiences with brides to be and bride-zillas(no insult intended) in a bid to save their marriages(or scheduled marriages) The simple principle is this : garbage in, garbage out. You cant make his life hell and expect him to love you, in which universe? Granted, some men are born that way and cannot be redeemed(if any woman falls in love with such men, well, thats their own cup of shayi). But a majority have been made that way by their spouses who are always the first to run to the streets and cry foul when he reacts. Lets be truthful, if we can trace the origin of the violence of most men to the point when they became violent, we will also see a parallel trail of the woman's insurgence. And this trail is usually or always just before the man became (in quote) "i never knew he was like this" The question now lingers...when did he change? or seriously, did you marry him knowing he was like this? I am yet to get a satisfying answer to this question. Because in most cases, his current attitude was a team effort (in most cases o).