Raising Eve...

Dear Lord, for the Grace to raise our daughters right, we pray!

Having raised my daughter to be a very free and open young lady, having taught her to reserve no secrets from me, to feel free to always confide in me and assuring her of repercussion free confidences (ensuring also that I stuck to my promise and never over react irrespective of how disastrous those confidences might sound), I observed with dismay, the first furtive look, the reluctance to be completely honest on an albeit simple issue!

Hm....

I carefully concealed my dismay and reserved my sleuthing for a more relaxed atmosphere. Lying down with her yesterday night and chatting about her upcoming birthday (Today), our expectations of her (heard from her yesterday, that she needs to act with "increased responsibility", I almost fell off the bed in shock at the big words), and generally, various other facts of life, the "birds and the bees" talk, I slowly shifted gears into "sharing confidences" talk.

Turns out she is being groomed on how to lie and keep secrets by the nanny, and being told that only a "small girl" runs to mummy with tales of all that happens to her. In order to get into the big leagues, she has to prove she is a big girl by not being as open or forthright as she used to be and share secrets with the nanny instead of me. Suffice it to say, I got an in depth account of all the nanny's sordid secrets yesterday night and thankfully, was able to arrest the less than a week old trend by reinforcing certain values we had come to hold dear to us both and getting her commitment that going further, we would continue to share confidences and I also gave her a stock response for when next she is approached to join the "big girls league".

When she finally fell asleep, I made a mental note to change the nanny ASAP, while also falling on my knees and begging God for the grace to continue to open my eyes, to enable me nip such incidences in the bud and handle them in a way that would ensure continued trust and confidence flows both ways. While we were talking yesterday, she asked me, So Mummy, must I tell you everything, even when I have a boyfriend? I replied Yes, why not? But Aunt says it is wrong? Don't mind Aunt  she is living in the stone ages! And we had a little giggle over that.

We all know there is no hard and fast rule to raising children. What works for one, might not work for the other and even Siamese twins would not respond to the same parenting technique. In these times also, it becomes increasingly important to keep an ever watchful eye on the kids (especially the girl child), with the growing trend of overeager "baby sitters" to lend a helping hand where we show some hesitance to be as fully involved as we ought to be. From nannies to aunties and uncles, drivers, the internet and all it's hidden promises, sattelite TV, etc.

So, raising daughters (any child at all for that matter), here are what I think are pointers to keep in mind:

1. Be as open as you can possibly be with your children. If a child is old enough to ask you a question, she is old enough to get a factual answer! You can seize the opportunity to work in the ideals, for instance, Mummy, why is so and so boy's body different to mine? (believe me, in these days, it gets easier for children to notice differences in anatomy faster), Let the child know what those differences are and be as factual as possible, using the real names: penis, vagina, breasts, buttocks and how and why the twain should never mix (at least for now). If you avoid the topic, a sexual predator would be more than willing to properly educate - or mis-educate your child depending on how you look at it!

2. Do you flog all the time, in season, out of season and without season? Really, here is the point, especially raising daughters where you need to be less quick with the rod and focus more on shaping the child. A child that has the confidence to approach you on any and every issue, even if he/she is liable and has the assurance that you will not immediately reach for the cane and start belaboring, will definitely approach you with issues first. Whatever the perceived mistake is, take a deep breath before you commencing flogging. Sit down with the child and discuss the pros and cons of their action first before you decide what punishment or reward to mete out. It might not need to be a physical whupping, you could deny the child of certain privileges  impose chores and tasks or even cancel a promised treat. That way, consequences take on deeper meanings than just turning your back, bombom or hand and receiving a thrashing.

3. Secrets, secrets, secrets... One quick way predators get our children is by encouraging them to have confidences and secrets they can both share away from others. Have you built up in your child enough trust in you to understand that they cannot have any secrets from you? If you encourage them to always share, always talk and realise that the secret they share with you is the safest as you will always protect them as a mother, that any secrets they share with an outsider will only keep them beholden to that person for as long as he/she wishes to keep them psychological prisoners, you might begin to win and retain their confidences. Again, it is important at this juncture to have an iron constitution and disposition with tons of willpower as you might indeed hear a lot of shocking secrets. If you handle it right, you have your child's confidence forever. Fly off the handle just once and go ballistic because a child has shared a secret with you and you would have lost that child's confidence and trust, possibly forever. Dialogue, in this instance, will work a long way to resolve issues, and alternative conflict resolution avenues should be properly explored to reinforce the notion of consequences without always wielding a cane.

4. Be watchful. Do you notice when your child has a strange item of clothing in their wardrobe, has a new hair clip in her hair, are there changes in attitude, in composure? Does she begin to develop an intense outpouring of emotions towards a particular person? Is she beginning to refuse instructions and rebel? Keen observation is very important, come on, this is your child and you should know him/her very well to realise when the subtle changes are beginning to creep in. Miss these changes at the nascent stage when you can step in, nip them off the bud and re-enforce your ideals and it will seem to you like your child just "changed" overnight. No one ever changes overnight. Children test limits, they push boundaries and the more leeway they get, the bolder they become until they eventually begin to manifest habits they have slowly been honing over time unbeknownst to their parents.

5. Then you need to set a good example. "Monkey see, monkey do", that is what children are all about. I have the confidence that my daughter does not lie. I have told her to always tell the truth, irregardless of the consequences, I have given her the permission to call me out in a lie and that keeps me extremely accountable. You do not want to be seen as a hypocrite by your child. "Oh, mummy says one thing and does another", is a very bad parent/child situation to ever be caught up in. The kids will lose all respect for you and begin to openly rebel, knowing full well that you do not have the moral standing to call them on any suspicious behaviorism you notice. Again, gifts can and are used by sexual predators to groom children. Can you account for every item in your child's wardrobe, food, gifts, etc? Or do you just notice a new item and close your eye to it, Ignore, Wish it away?

6. Finally and most importantly, remember to refer back to the Master from time to time. He has the blueprints of all our lives and can give you divine insights into what is going on, the grace to make timely observations, and the wisdom to handle whatever issues that might arise in a matured manner while still retaining access to your child! Without God, you will definitely go astray and miss the point. At this juncture, I would say, whatever your belief systems are, involve them in raising and bringing up your children. You can never go wrong if you do!

I know the above is not exhaustive, these are just a tip of the iceberg of tips to successfully build an open, trusting, mutual relationship with your child and ensure that you, to whom it matters most, are an integral part of her education in the school of life, and not just a casual bystander who wonders where the untoward habits were acquired from, without fully realising their advertent/inadvertent contribution to the turnout.

May God continue to help us all!

P.S:

Happy 8th birthday Valerie, you will live to fulfill destiny In Jesus name!